Thursday, 28 September 2017

I'm not like other girls.

Over the past 6 years I have been subject to a lot of shit for being married young. From my family just gently letting me know that this isn't the life they wanted for me but that they're happy for me cuz it worked out well for me to random strangers on Facebook telling me I've cut my life short and that they could *never* live my life. 

Well sweetpea ain't it fab that NO ONE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO. Legit no one has asked you to fucking wife swap with me and run my house. No one is asking you to raise my son. You don't see me taking swipes at your life do you? 

According to studies most women my age are still living at home or in house shares, are unsatisfied in there job role, haven't had many relationships lasting longer that two years, feel their friendships aren't really that good and still aren't 100% sure what the fuck they are doing with their lives. If the TV series Girls is anything to go by then fuck an entire lake of ducks I feel sorry for women my age. 

Just like 'slut' and 'hoe', the words 'wife' and 'mother' are not dirty words to be spat and looked down upon. I identify myself as mother and wife first, before I am anything I am a wife and a mother. Girls who love to keep a family and home, who's only happiness is marked by the threshold of her front fucking door still exist. I am one of these girls and guess what? I want you to lay the motherfuck off. While I'm here cheering your ass on  like "YASS BOSSSS BITCH BUILD THAT CAREER AND FUCK BOIZ CUZ LIFE IS SHORT", supporting your decisions, sticking up for you and the way you wanna live you're staring me right back in the face and telling me I'm not enough. I'm not wanting enough for myself. That the life I love and the happiness I've built is too small and provincial. BITCH THE FUCK? NO. I support you regardless of my feeling towards your actions cuz I respect you, fam. Why the fuck can't you do the same?

It may be baffling to you but I still exist. In the era of the Hoe Renaissance, The Money-Moves-Making-Boss-Bitch and #WasteHisTime2K17 I'm here. I love house work, I love to cook and one of my favourite parts of my morning is the five minutes of still I get whilst I polish my husband shoes. I live to spoil and dote on my nuclear family. I thrive on the feeling I get when my house is clean. I fell fast, moved quickly and married young. I'm 24 with a 6 year relationship under my belt (of which five are marriage) and three years of motherhood to my name. I have made four properties into homes. I have lost a pregnancy and I have found my happiness. I know who I am, my strengths and weaknesses. I have my goals and life planned. I am on track and stable. 

So who the fuck are you to tell me that my life isn't good enough?

"I could never do that"
"I'm not letting you meet my partner incase he gets any ideas lol!"
"But you're more than that"
"Don't you want more than just chores and being home all the time?"
"Your husband a grown man he can look after himself"
"Can I swap *insert partners name* for Monica?"
"Wow your husband is spoilt"

Mate just like you couldn't live my life I couldn't live yours because guess what? DING DING DING WE ARE DIFFERENT FUCKING PEOPLE WITH DIFFERENT FUCKING GOALS AND NEEDS. Your partner and you work because you are what you need for one another, my partner just requires more from me, that doesn't make you a bad partner or me a better one it just makes us different. Why is a career seen as more? Why is an education seen as more? LET ME FUCKING LIVE. I couldn't work a 9-5 it would kill my actual soul. I hated education I found it stifling and too rigid for my creative mind. I didn't ask for a fucking development status update on my husband, thanks. I fucking well can quite easily deduce for myself that I am in fact married to a fully able bodied, grown ass man who could (if taught) do everything I do for him for himself but I don't fucking want him to, I actually want to do everything for him because I want him to feel love and cared for because IT MAKES ME HAPPY NOT CUZ HE ASKED ME TOO. It may seem like he's spoilt to you perhaps it's cuz you envy him though? I mean wouldn't it be nice for someone to literally think of everything in your life for you, for someone to love you so deeply that they want to do everything in their power to make you life as easy and happy as physically possible? 

Oh and no, you can't swap. To have a woman like me, you have to be a man like my husband. To be able to have a woman like me even think of literally moulding herself to your every need you have to be a seriously fucking special individual. You need a wicked sense of humour, the patience of an angel, a slightly strange mind and a serious love of being annoyed because as much as I am devoted and loving I am hard work to be married too. I am stubborn and annoying. My mood swings are like lightning strikes and I control the vibe of the house as if it were a fucking thermostat under my skin directly connected my soul. If I'm sad the air in the house is heavy, if I'm happy the light bulbs are somehow brighter, if I'm angry the room in is a little warmer and the air is tense.

Like all other girls, I'm not like other girls because we are all different. I'm me and if I can respect you, you can sure as shit learn a thing or two from me and respect me. 

I can't be like you and your peers. 
I couldn't use a dating app. I couldn't be "single and loving it". I couldn't wear what you fashionable kids are wearing and go out on the town. I couldn't live like a normal 24 year old in 2017 because it's not me. I was born middle aged and every year I've become morhe like a old aged pensioner and I'M FINE WITH THAT. Why do you think because I don't have IG, Tinder and such like I'm somehow missing out? Why do you think that because I've not done all the things you find fun I'm not happy? Like I just don't fucking get it. You guys preach and sing and fucking protest about choice yet you can't respect mine because it's not the one you would make? Sorry but nah fam. Fuck off. I couldn't swipe through people like they're pages of the Argos catalogue or seek temporary validation from practical strangers online. I'm just not that kind of person. I ain't sliding into anyone's DMs. I was engaged before I went on my first date and even that was fucking chaperoned. You don't see me saying "ay Sandy you should try getting married, it's fab" or "you know what's better than mdma? Popcorn". Like I'm not tryna make you live my life so why are you tryna get me to live yours? 

I've had someone actually say the words "as a feminist it makes me feel so weird when he (my husband) sits there and asks you to get him a drink instead of just getting one himself". Okay lol park your "feminist" ass down and listen the I know up. YA FEELINGS DON'T MATTER IN MY RELATIONSHIP. If you could for a second just see it from our individual point of views - he's been out working, travelling and on his feet all day, he's tired, he's sat down to his meal and he's asking me for a glass of water because I'm free. I'm not doing anything. Not because HIM MAN ME WOMAN ME DO EVERYTHING FOR MAN ME ONLY FOR THIS PURPOSE. It's literally cuz I'm chillin'. I can easily just say "could you grab it yourself I'm cosy" and he would it wouldn't even cross his mind to be annoyed or think anything of it. 

He's gone out at 11pm to get me chicken nuggets. He's gone out on a Sunday at 3:45pm because I've forgotten stuff I need for a meal. He's stayed up all night to stroke my hair cuz I can't sleep. He checks on the baby after 7pm. He comes with me to the toilet when I'm scared. He always takes our plates to the kitchen, he will always ask if I need help, he will always vacuum if he's free and it needs doing, my husband isn't a Neanderthal, gender conforming, hyper-masculine alpha male. He's chill as fuck. I just love spoiling him. We like spoiling each other. 

We do what we are good at and that's how we assign tasks/decisions. Whoever knows the most or has the most experience will take lead. Whoever is less tired or free will do a job. I just happen to be good at stuff you consider to be "for women" or typically female, we do have a traditional set up in many senses. He works and I raise our son but that's because he's been working since legal age and I've always been around kids. It's just what we are best at, working to your strengths isn't a bad thing, it's smart. If I was a to get a well paid job my husband would be yelling "DAS MA BEST FRIEND YO" and telling everyone how fucking proud he is, he would boss being a SATD. 

When we first got married we tried to have a relationship like the one you would rather us have and it just didn't work for us. Being husband and wife was a pain in the ass so we decided to just be us. We are essentially best mates who live together and find each other attractive. You want us to be a happy couple who are close but not too close, gave our own friendship circles, lead separate lives but also be involved and interested in one another's lives without morphing into one and be socially/economically/domestically equally if that works for you then yay for you. I like not having that relationship, I like it very much. I like spending 24/7 with him, I don't need or want a break from him. I like having one life and basically being one person. It's fab. My favourite thing to do is share chocolate quesadillas from one plate on a Saturday morning. His favourite thing is to have the tv on as background sound and scroll through Facebook with me snuggled up to him close. We ain't social folk. We don't drink. We don't do any form of drugs. We don't go out unless we are dragged out, I've never been out on a girls night out cuz I do not want to. We don't like people for the most part. We are each other's favourite person in the whole world and the only other person we want to spend time with is our child. So go have fun, just think there's one less person queuing at the bar or for the loos, the gigs you want have one less person tryna get tickets, there's one less person to swipe past on your tinder, one less person booking a table at a restaurant you want to try. All these things you love to do, I don't. I hate them. I fucking hate them. So go enjoy them for the both of us. I would die at a festival, I'd die at gigs, fam I almost die when I'm in a crowded shop. I'm not asking you to have my relationship and I'm not judging yours. It would just NEVER work for me. 

I'm not gunna be here to cheer you on and have your back if you cannot do the same for me. Why is it when you get hurt whilst drunk it's funny and just a laugh but if I hurt myself from overdoing it with cleaning I get OMG U NEED A BREAK? Both self inflicted and both dumb but IM NOT THE ONE ON THE WAY TO LIVER CIRRHOSIS. When you get your heart broken by another fuck boy I'm here to pick up the pieces but if I'm upset about something you can't relate too you're just like "I COULDNT BE YOU". When I'm here binging programs until 3am and you're out being social I don't tell you to go home, I tell you to be safe.  

You girls are torn between naming me #WifeGoals and a stain on the good name of feminism. And you guys are all asking where you can get a girl like me or if I have sisters/friends but chasing Tinder matches and Miss Right Now. 

Glitter, hashtags and fucking cold shoulder blouses. IG baddies, Snapchat filters, Mermaids and Unicorns. Go live your best hoe life, go make that money, go and fucking live your life the way you see fit. But do not dare come back at me and tell me that I should be more like you because that's not nice. Support your fellow women. If we don't have each other to lean on all of us fall. 

Love and fuckery,

Monica x

Friday, 3 March 2017

Damn, bro! You whipped AF!

So this year I've been married for 5 years. Like that's pretty cool that my beloved Mr Husband Man has been putting up with my bratty ass for that long. He even 3D printed a small person with me, also rad af. Shout out to him for that *thumps chest twice and throws up peace sign*

Now one thing that annoys me about the five years I've been with my partner is that he's heard so much shit for wanting to spend time with me over his friends or leaving a meet up early to come home to me. Dumb shit like "you're under the thumb" and "you're whipped" that are just unnecessarily twatty, at one point someone actually got an app that made a whip crack noise. Like I totally get lads banter and shit but fam, c'mon. 

So I'd like to address "the Lads" from all the girlfriends and wives. Hold on to your asses, boys. I'm not one for mincing my words. 

Listen here, you shit prick, I don't have a clue how he's under the thumb cuz I am pretty much the most chill wife in my husbands friendship circles, even including the girlfriends. I'm not controlling, it doesn't bother me who he's friends with - even if I don't like them, I don't care if he's home at 2am; I'm there waiting with food and warm clothes, what he talks about with his mates (even if it's about me), if he leave the toilet seat up, if he leaves his plate on the side instead of the sink, there really isn't much that he does that gets me pissed off so when you say he's under the thumb you're literally talking complete bullshit, much like the bullshit you spin girls to get them to talk to you for a minute before they realise you're a bag of dicks and walk off leaving you looking like a right knobhead. When you guys say to him that he's whipped, I just want to laugh in your faces and stick a post-it note with "prat" written on it to your forehead. Like "oh no it's must be terrible for him having a woman who is way more fun than any of his mates, what a fucking travesty". 

Of course, he wants to come home to me instead of sitting in a bar or restaurant with you, Fam. I'm like a hot water bottle but people size. I'm really fucking funny and pretty much better in every way than you are as a friend, hence we are married. Home with me has duvets and tv, laughter until we can't actually breathe, home cooked food and hella snug but outside with you has some decent bantz, overpriced drinks and a late drive home. 

My favourite thing though is when single guys say it, it just makes me hysterical. I hate to be so brutal (I don't hate it, I'm lying, I love being brutal) but I feel so damn sorry for you, sweet pea. You've got no one to go home to after a hard day, the best you have is a night out with the lads after which you will probably come home alone, anyways cuz let's face it our Tinder is drier than my sense of humour. You're there all "LADS LADS LADS" cuz you can't find a girl, let alone a woman to make you a better man cuz no one female wants to spend more time than is entirely necessary with you cuz your personality sucks like you paid it to do so. Seriously, how nice do you think it is to always have someone to spend time with who always wants to do/eat/drink/watch the same thing as you? Oh wait, you wouldn't know, would you? The longest relationship you've had is your phone contract. You are not single cuz you love being single or aren't ready for commitment, you're single cuz you're a total idiot. Ya fucking noodle. Let me tell you a secret about yourself, Petal. Ready for it? Ahem... you're jealous. You would love to find your person but you're not grown up enough to even see it. So do me a favour and fuck off telling your friend (my husband) that being into me and wanting to spend time with me over you is a bad thing cuz it's sure as shit isn't. You're the one that's losing out, ya miserable shit. 

Mate, like for real who wants to be outside with sweaty, drunk people when you could be at home with your favourite person? 

Like it's not even a competition. It's barely a comparison. 

When you invite him round for the to watch the footie and he says "no", it's cuz he'd rather be home with me cuz I make kickass snacks, watch the game with him and give a really fucking funny commentary. If we win, we celebrate and if we lose I make it better with food and my womanly ways. Do you have those? Do you have womanly ways? I fucking hope not, you empty packet of crisps. 

When you invite him out for drinks and he says "oh mate, next time?", it's cuz he knows I'm at home with food, some tv shows already loaded for us to binge watch and better bantz than you could ever even dream off. Are you gunna let him grab your butt while you snuggle him and watch 'Suits'? Cuz if you are I'm gunna have to hurt you. I know how to get blood out anything, including your body. I find sharp objects to be the most effective.

Your friend isn't "whipped" or "under the thumb" he's in a happy relationship, you fucking pile of Ikea flat pack left over washers. He's choosing time with me over you because I'm his favourite person in the world not because I'm forcing him to. He's constantly texting me while you're out cuz he'd rather be at home with me but this is the best he can do right now. He wants to be with me, not you. 

So from every female that's hated by "the lads" to every single lad that acts like his mate is dying when he gets into a relationship and is happy: I hope your Tinder matches are more baron than your cleared internet history. The reason why we don't like you is cuz you think it's okay for him to behave like you and you're a fucking pillock. Do me a favour and have a laugh with my best friend when he does finally go out with you. Be lads, have many of the bantz but when he wants to leave be a good friend too, man hug or pat his shoulder and be like "alright mate see ya". Stop being a loser. Be happy that your bro is happy. 

Anyways, I'm out I have stuff to do.

Monica x

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Sup, Fam?

So... hi. 

I haven't been around for a while.

Update - I moved. 
I live in the south west now closer to my family. 

Whilst we were moving we had to stay with my family for a little over a month while my new home got refurbished which  was lovely but it also bought up a lot of stuff for me that I'd kept buried deep down for the last five or six years. I had to deal with it all eventually I guess. I got really fucking depressed. Like hella. It was shitty. 

I sort of lost myself and did the bare minimum for a few months but the other day I "woke up" and now I'm back to myself. It feels really good to have me back. I missed her. The good thing is when you're a miserable bitch, you're also really funny- as a way of covering for the fact you haven't washed in a while and you're in general a bit of a shitty person to be around so the Facebook page for this blog is really fucking funny. But it feels nice to not have a million and one things running through my head so fast that I think my head might just explode. It's great not having this feeling in my chest that so heavy I think I might defy gravity and just sink into the floor. It feels nice to get all my chores done on time and properly. Best of all though it feel good to have energy back and not use all you have by 10:30pm on being an okay mum and a less than mediocre wife- I'm back to being a really fucking good mum and a kickass boss wifey cuz that's what I am. I am a boss ass bitch when it comes to motherhood and being a wife. 

I'm glad I took some time out to be a human aubergine but I'm back now. I have loads I wanna write about but atm I'm scared it will be shit cuz I haven't written in ages. 

Anyways, I hope you guys are good and thanks for still viewing the blog even though I'm not posting anything. It means a lot to me. I'll start posting soon. 

With all my love,
Monica x

Monday, 20 June 2016

Happy Fathers Day, Man.

Every year around this time I get a little fragile. Little things chip away at my heart - things that I normally brush off, pay no mind to but because it's nearly my birthday it hurts just a little more. Sometimes Father's Day actually falls on my birthday. I can recall crying in the shower on some birthdays because I'm celebrating the day I was born on the same day as I ought to be appreciating the man who abandoned me. All my friends leaving early in the morning so they could spend the day with their dads...

So I have daddy issues. I'll say it. I've mentioned it a few times in my blog. I have terrible scarring daddy issues, so bad in fact that I'm now 23 and I still cry, I still get that ache in heart, I still look at other girls and get jealous. I'm married and a mum, I am a grown woman but I still wish I had a dad. In the media we see daddy issue as something funny, something that girls can blame their "sluttiness" on. You'll hear to show characters say things like "I like my girls with low self esteem and daddy issues" but I'm calling bullshit. I'm mean it is obviously fucking hilarious to mock someone for having an absent parent or in some cases a very present yet abusive parent. It's just so funny to think that a child's emotional growth would have been stunted and scarred by a parent - one of the people on this planet who are meant to be self-sacrificing and protective of you. Omg, I'm aching from the laughter. It's just so fucking funny. I can totally see why people give it them same level of courtesy as they do star signs. 

No, fuck off. Having daddy issues isn't a cop out reasons for poor choices, it's not the same and saying "I'm a Gemini so I'm totes indecisive". It's not. Fight me. 

For every kid that had their heart ripped out and shredded by the one man in their life who was meant to protect others from doing exactly that I would like to pass on a verbal throat punch because honestly, it's agony sometimes. That heart shattering ache in your chest is so painful. I would happily throat punch every parent that has let their child down so much it has been detrimental to their emotional stability. 

You know what is funny though? I can bet my life on the fact the old man has no clue what it is that he did. I would happily bet my life on it. If you were to sit him down and ask him what happened he would have so many gripes with people, he would tell you how people turned me against him, poisoned my mind. He could give you story, after story about how much he missed me or how much it affected him that he didn't get to see me. He would probably tell you how hard he worked to make sure he could visit me and make sure that he had the cash to take me out. He would tell you how happy he was to see me when it was time to pick me up and how hard it was to give me back. I'm sure he would describe the guilt he felt every birthday or when how when he found out o was getting married how he wished he could give me away. He would tell you how he is so hurt that he's never met his only grandchild. He would tell you that all he ever wanted to do was love me and be a good dad, that he knows he isn't the best but he tried his best. 

But you know what's wrong with all of that? It's all about him. It always has been. Do you know what? He has no one but himself to blame. Honestly, lots of people may have an issue with the sod but I don't give a fuck about them, his actions towards me are what made me cut him out. 

From the moment he walked out on me. He wasn't just divorcing my mum... He was abandoning me. The day he left was the day he gave up the ability to protect me. 

And for that I suffered.

I thought I deserved nothing more than to be walked out on, that everyone would because he did. If someone who was meant to be by my side could do that to me why would anyone else bother being different. If before I was even born, before I had even come into the word I was unwanted, why would any one ever want me? I thought I deserve to be abused and hurt by the men I came into contact with because I had been treated with undeserved indifference from my conception. I was an inconvenience then and I always would be. I wasn't allowed to have a say because my voice didn't matter. The guilt trips, the fear, the mind games. I thought it was all I was worth. A father is meant to be a girls first love, if you can't trust the first man in your life you'll never trust another. When I was left a door was opened and it meant I was allowed to be damaged time and time again until the little that was left was only made of hate and hurt. People used my insecurities to control me, hurt me and then make me think it's okay because that's all I'm good for. 

The first time I stood up and made a choice it was big. I was about nine or ten and was so tired of being ill. I was fed up of my skin always playing up because my routine wasn't taken seriously when I was away. I was fed up with being behind at school. I was done with being a no where child. I was done with having no roots anywhere, no friends, hobbies. I was finished with being pass the parcel. I was done. For a normally shy, quite meek child I suddenly had a lot to say. 

I didn't want to go this time, I didn't want to be covered in sick and blood like I had been so many times before. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take feeling so weak after the journey from the nosebleeds and motion sickness. I just couldn't. I had been doing since I was three, I couldn't do it anymore. So when he was belting me into the car I said, very calmly , "I will scream if you take me". 

The response I'm pretty sure was "What will those ladies think?" in reference to passersby. I didn't care. Why should I?

I remember running, I don't recall getting out of the car but I remember running back to school,  to the reception greeted by my headmaster and the school receptionist. I remember both their names and faces but my head master, he told me I didn't have to go anywhere if I didn't to. He put that power back into my little hands. He told me that what I wanted was the most important thing in this situation and nothing else. Not my parents, not the courts, not the CAFCAS officers. Me. He gave me chocolate, let me cry and made me feel safe. If I remember rightly he didn't even let my father in the school, he spoke to him outside. I think it was to make sure I felt safe and not pressured to go, I'm not sure. But what his main goal was on that situation was to make sure I was heard. I spoke to my old headmaster today and it was honestly one of the most lovely phone conversations I have ever had. I will never be able to thank him enough. He will never understand the difference he made. 

I wanted to be me and he helped to to chose that path. That concept has been something that I haven't been willing to debate or give up for a long time now. I am unapologetically me. Like it or not I don't care. 

I was three when I decided I wanted to be called "Monica" my dad never accepted it, even after I grew up we met once, he still tried to call me by the name he gave me. He could see the hurt and anguish on my face and in my voice when it came out of his mouth. His utter refusal reinforced my decision, even after all those years he hadn't changed but I had. I screamed my piece and it hurt him. I wasn't about to be daddy's little girl and run into his arms. I didn't need him now. I didn't need anymore pain. 

I could never put my child through such pain. 

But I guess that's the point, isn't it...? For me to be the parent I am, I had to have the parents I did. 

I am a ferociously protective parent. I am self-sacrificing. But the thing I am most proud of is the fact I give my child choice. I had made it my mission to understand him and his whole little life.  I am firm and loving. I am patient and understanding of his needs. Because of the failings in my childhood I am desperate to make sure I never inflict them onto my son. It's why I demand the most from my husband when it comes to parenting our child. We may have off days as people or a couple but we never allow our son to have anything but loving parents. My son is the luckiest person I know. His sole purpose in life is to be loved and be happy. 

I'm so happy I met my husband. He found me and took the time to make me believe that I'm allowed to be loved, that he won't leave, that I'm worth more than being hurt. He never stops showing me how loved I am, he takes every chance he gets to make me laugh and smile. My husband is one of the most amazing men I've ever met. His devotion to protecting me, making me happy is so intense. He has taken on and fought so much just to be by my side. At times he has even fought me, my anxiety, my fears. He has never given up on me. 

To be honest, my father is lucky my husband came along. My husband made me know what unconditional love is, he made me work hard to love myself, to know myself, he made me challenge what I was. He rebuilt me bit by bit. All the pain and harm that my father failed to protect me from due to his absence my husband slowly wiped away. 

He changed every cruel word to words of love and happiness. He gave me laughter, where I knew tears. He found my worth and gave it back to me. He replaced every slap, punch and kick I had endured with kisses and hugs. He gave me my son and made sure I was never alone. If anyone ever wanted to know why I dote on my husband so much just read that, how can you not want to love and care for someone who saved you from yourself and the sadness you carried in your heart.

My mum always tells me it wasn't my dads fault bad stuff happened to me but she doesn't see it from where I'm stood. How could she? She always tell me to let go and not blame him. But she doesn't understand that he was just the start. His actions caused a ripple effect and my life was what felt it. He was the cause, I was the result. 

I should really thank him now I think about it.... I mean because of his poor decisions and mistakes I ended up with the life I did and by extension the person I am. 

So... I guess- thanks, man. Thanks for being such a godawful parent to me because it showed me how not to parent my own child. Thanks for letting me down and abandoning me because it meant my husband had to be someone fucking special and stubborn to prove himself to me. Thanks for not accepting me because it meant I fought for my right to be me and value the traits I have. Thanks, man and I guess, Happy Father's Day - I hope one of your kids did something nice because it sure as shit wasn't me... But I forgive you. I'm sure you're not a bad person, you're probably just an idiotic and selfish one, however that's not the kind of people I need around me or my family. I forgive you not because you deserve it or I want you as a part of my life but because I need to. For me to move on with my life I need to forgive you. I can't keep expending energy blaming you and hurting.  So you're off the hook, dude. I doubt you'll ever see this but if you do, I'm not sorry I wrote this and frankly, I don't give a fuck if it hurts you because I needed to write this. I needed to get all of this out of my head, a real parent would understand.

 I'll give you something though, a kind-of gift. This is my gift to you:

 I didn't take this specifically for this blog. I actually just took it because I wanted a new profile picture for my Facebook page. This is me sitting on my sofa, after a great nights sleep snuggled up to my loving husband; following a week of undivided attention and spoiling because of my birthday. This is me now. I'm a happy, grown woman with her whole life filled with care and warmth. I love rainy days, writing and Adventire Time. I spend my days cooking, playing and cleaning. I still hate Sharon fruit, I still love J20 and I'm a better person without you. I give you this because if it were me and my child was estranged from me, I would
want to know that they were happy, my child could hate my guts or wish me dead but as long as they were happy I wouldn't care. So if you ever see this or it comes to a day where you're old and on your own and thinking about me don't wish it were different. Just be happy that I turned out fine, don't worry about me because I'm happy. You and me, we're square. You got no ill wishing from me, man. 

Guys, I know this is really personal but I'm going to put this out there because I'm not ashamed of what wasn't my fault, what was and who I am. The best thing you can do is work through that shit. 

The first time I wrote this blog it was 4000 words long and full of venom but I accidentally deleted in a way that I couldn't get it back and I kind of think that it was God way of saying "are you really sure that's what you want to put out into the world?". The past few months I've been having terrible panic and anxiety attacks, I've been edgy and tearful but right now in this moment my heart feels like a little pebble. All smooth and round. I haven't felt like that in a while. 

I'm watching my little guy eat his lunch and play with his turtle sippy cup, my best friend will be home soon and I'm going to go to bed tonight, a lighter version of me. 

If any of you are feeling what I felt, I'm sorry. But I can tell you one day it stops hurting, you just have to keep working on you. Fill all the little gaps in your heart that hurt with things and people you love and I promise it will get better eventually. You don't need them. You got your back and so do those who love you. 

You can do it. 

With every bit of love in my heart, to every kid that was hurt by a parent, as always, 


Friday, 17 June 2016

I am a hairless dolphin

don't know about you but puberty fucking sucked for me, it didn't hit me like a truck as it did for many of my friends who were basically teenage sirens by the age of 16, all boobs and butt, in control of their bodies and growing into their womanhood, I was a scrawny, boobless, spotty mess of hormones.  But the worst bit for me - worse than the onset of periods and the beginning of uneven boobs - was the hair. I couldn't stand it. I hated it so much. I didn't feel grown up or womanly, I felt gross. It just fucking showed up and I had to be okay with it because it was "part of growing up". After I noticed it and panicked at the concept I will get more I eventually tearfully, mentioned it to my mum. She basically told me it was normal, handed me a large pump of Immacc and told me to use it if I wanted to get rid of it. So the next time I showered I read the instructions and got on with it. We didn't really talk about it again, that was pretty much it. I mean it did the job but I was left wondering why all the girls at my school were getting waxed or shaved but when I asked I was told it's too harsh. Once I got married I explored various removal methods and found my favourite and stuck to it but ever since I was thirteen I have never really understood women's utter hatred for hair removal. 

I have heard all the reasons and read all the "10 reasons you shouldn't be shaving" but I just don't get it. I mean you do you and all I just don't really agree with it, for myself or like it. The way people feel about getting rid of it, is almost the way I feel about keeping it. 

I have never found it to be time consuming or annoying. After a few months of sticking to a regimental routine my skin got used to it, I didn't find that irritation was an issue as long as I did it properly. 

Now, I have used or tried almost all types of removal methods through the years, trail and error is my friend. Like I said before I used Veet when it was still called Immac as a young teen, I would bleach my 'tache  (it was apparently quite visible) and I would have my brows threaded but over time I have had to change my method because I found that they weren't working for me anymore or that my skin was reacting badly to it. For instance threading has always made me break out and after I had my son Nair started burning me and not really removing much so I started waxing but that wasn't really working either because my hair is so thin and barely existent. I switched to shaving and I'm really happy with what it gives me. And I pluck my brows myself, I hate my face being touched and I've never had anyone do it the way I like but I love my brows when I do them. Until I found my routine I had a few issues but that's the same with anything, once I had it down I didn't have any problems. 

But I mean there are so many reasons not to shave and embrace the fuzz so let's go through them. Here is my counter post to "Reasons you shouldn't shave", let's call it "oh look I'm a hairless dolphin" (actually I think I'll call the post that): 

1) You could save 72 days worth of time in your lifetime if you stop and do other things. 

If I'm honest I waste that time chilling on the floor staring at the ceiling. You're right I could learn a language but I already know two so I'm kinda good. I'd rather spend that time shaving than complaining about the fact I haven't shaved. Which is something I do if it's been a couple of days. I waste enough time being in the way, or waiting for stuff to load/switch on what's another 72 days?

2) It's boring and annoying. 

I mean there are lots of things that are boring that I have to do like turning clothes inside out when doing the laundry and actually opening the baby gate instead of just stepping over it, at least when I'm shaving I get a cool thing out of a boring task and anyway when I'm in the shower it's not like it's a fucking carnival. It's just an hour of aggressive exfoliation, extensive hair washing/conditioning, stunning vocal performances and the slow gradual increase of water temperature from nice and warm to I'm burning my fingernails and eyelids off. Showering/bathing is not the most exciting of tasks in general but I quite enjoy the feeling of being a clean human being instead of Grimer's creepy sister so why not throw in some shaving? 

3) It is going to grow back

Okay if we apply that to everything we would all be living in disgusting conditions. In my home we have three different kinds of skin conditions so things like towels, bedsheets and clothes always need washing- do you realise how badly our conditions would get if I didn't change/wash it all so often? I have a son who is going through his "feeding the floor" phase so my carpet always needs cleaning - I vacuum at least three times a day. 
If we avoided doing things because we would just have to do it again, then we would live in a shitty unprogressive world. It is going to grow back but so are my eyebrow hairs and my nails that's doesn't mean I'ma stop plucking and cutting them. 

4) It is there for a reason - it protects you from bacteria.

I mean, is it really? I'm sure it's not really helping me that much. I do enough to protect myself from bacteria, wash my hands regularly, use sanitiser, change my clothes, wash, do I really need it? Because I feel like I don't. If it was a time where clothes and washing weren't really the norm I would totally understand keeping the fuzz but it's not. I have many things already protecting me, I think I can do without the hairy firewall for bacteria. 

5) Removing it leaves cuts that make you more susceptible to infections and STDs

I'm in a monogamous, long term, safe sex practicing relationship. If I catch something the chances are I'll have bigger things to worry about that some antibiotics and itchiness, some matey is about to get cut because the only way I could catch something would be if my Dearly Beloved Mr Husband Man was playing away in some other girls field, in which case I'm pissed off and ready to get messy. While I'm picking up cable ties, cling film, waterproof mascara (gotta look good), matches and lighter fluid, I'm sure I can pick up a prescription. Remember peeps, keep it wrapped/dammed no matter what you're doing or who with. Nothing is better that consensual, safe sex! Also, don't cheat. It's a dick move. 

6) It's itchy and uncomfortable  

If your skin is suffering and you gotz the itchzzz the chances are you're not working with your body well enough. Ya gotta find what works for you - depilatory creams by several companies also come in different strengths, razors have differing number of blades and conditioning strip formulations and here are hundreds of different electric shavers - it could have ages to find what works for you but then you need to get prep and aftercare right too. There are so many creams, gels, oils and washes to try! Once you get it right, you'll be fine. Personally, when prepping I make sure I shave when I shower, after soaking for a while, no dry shaving ever. I use a razor that has two blades and a conditioning strip, making sure  that's only been used a few times (3-4 uses tops) with Dove Caring Cream Bath as a shaving cream, exfoliate with a mitt and pumice stone before shaving and salt/sugar scrub after shaving. Then for aftercare I use a body butter from Superdrug as a moisturiser and Almond oil as a soothing shaving balm for anywhere that needs extra attention. It might sound like a lot but it's really not that hard or annoying to me. 

7) It's expensive

Lots of things are expensive - the vast amounts of takeaways my husband and I consume, makeup, the baked goods I eat all my myself. I buy a pack of razors every month because I change blades every couple of shave otherwise I get cuts and a not-so-close shave but it's still so much cheaper than other things like getting your eyebrows done, paying for grocery delivery on peak days and other dumb shit that really ought not to be so costly. At least I get something I like out of razors and anyways who says you have to but women's blades? Because it's pink? If you want blades and don't give a fuck, buy mens blades. Who gives a fuck. I only use Wilkinson Sword 2 because it works best for me, if another blade worked better I would get it. 

8) It contains pheromones

Sorry, but so does mens sweat. If I want the Mr Husband Man to get creepy I'm just gunna throw myself at him, I don't feel the need to thrust at him in the hope that my pheromones will waft over to him and seduce him. I mean if he is close enough to smell me/the hair on my body I'm assuming he's pretty close so we're basically already at like second base, there isn't much that's gunna stop that train arriving. He knows if we make out, we are doing the do. 

9) Real women have body hair, getting rid of it infantilises you and feeds the Patriarchal raunch/pedophile culture. 

Anyone calling themselves a real women because of anything other than the fact they are/identify as a women can fuck off. I'm not infantilising my body, if you're looking at a kid and thinking "yeah you're not sexy because you have no body hair" - you need help. Children are not sexual because they are children, they are not meant to be. What does anyone's body hair have anything to do with anyone other that themselves and whomever they would like to show their body hair/lack of body hair to? You guys are putting too much thought into some really trivial shit.  Fo' reaalzzzz. 

Okay so even though I don't get it, you get on with your bad self. Whether you braid it, grow it 70s style or have patterns in it, your body hair is yours so do what you want to with it, don't let anyone tell you what you ought to be doing with it and most of all - if someone doesn't like the way your keep your body hair and makes you feel bad about it, please don't let them touch a single inch of your body. You are you and you don't have to cater your body to anyone. If you like fuzzy, warm body hair like an adorable penguin - you keep it. If you like feeling like those hairless cats then you do that too. If you want glittery purple body hair, you dye your armpit hair like the purple minion and vajazzle that shit up so hardcore you look like you have Times Square in your pants. Your body is a yours and you decided how you decorate/groom it. Never let anyone tell you any otherwise. If they try to, throw a wet sock and a stale cookie at them. 

I must admit though I would love a moustache, I mean....

Anyways, I have Game Of Thrones, The Flash, Marvel's Agents of Shield and The 100 on catch up so I must dash! 

What's your favourite hair removal product? Or are you an Au Natural kinda person?



Tuesday, 14 June 2016

I stand with every single Emily Doe

The victim blaming in society is bad enough, it doesn't really matter which country, every single one has  a problem with it. The real problem here is the legal systems we have in place. They are fucking infuriating. The legal representations tear apart a person almost as bad as the person they are defending did. However, ironically I don't blame them, they get payed to represent the sick bastards, everyone has to make money, albeit it is a disgusting way but they still have bills to pay, families to feed and souls to sell. And with such an awful, cancerous, loophole ridden system it's no wonder that so many offenders get away with their crimes. My issue is with the Brock Tuners of this world, the individuals committing these crimes, you know you are guilty when you run to daddy and start paying for expensive lawyers. Just because you are a rich kid doesn't mean that the law doesn't apply to you, you rancid, cretinous, vile pointless little parasite. 

Brock Turner you don't deserve the leniency you're being shown. You aren't the Stanford Swimmer, you are a sex offender. Your hobby and education are not who you are, your actions dictate who you are. And your actions show us that you are a sex offender. You preyed on a vulnerable unconscious individual because you thought you would get away with it. You are sick in the head and your dad is just as sick as you are. 

I would like to speak to your father, as one parent to another parent but it genuinely makes me feel ill that you can call yourself a parent. 
As a father how can you excuse your son for doing what he did to another human being. 
Mr Turner, you do realise your son intimately assaulted an unconscious person? Your child, made another persons child - a victim. He hurt someone else's child. There are many things that your son is - a now registered sex offender, an awful person with terrible morals and a lack of decency but a victim is not one of them. If anyone in my family male or female were to commit such an offence it would suffice to say that I would want them punished, no one has the right to intrude someones body. Do you have no humanity? Do you not have a wife? Sisters? Mother? If someone were to happen upon their unconscious form would you be okay with the perpetrator dragging them into a dark place, behind dumpsters and intimately assaulting them? Would it not anger you if someone were to invade their bodies? Would you blame them or the person that hurt them? Wouldn't you want justice, if not retribution? I would. I would want the person who hurt my family to be slaughtered in a horrific fashion; however, I understand that as a civilisation we have moved on from barbaric punishments and as such I would settle for a very long stay in jail. If it were your daughter crying in your arms after a stranger had sexually assaulted her, how would you feel? How would you feel hearing what they had done to her? Would it not make your heart ache to see her in pain, emotionally broken, physically harmed, internally scathed? 

Parent to parent, if it were my child the sheer disgust I would feel would pain me to look at them, but I wouldn't stop loving them; that's not something we parents are allowed to do, there is an unwritten clause of unconditional love that we sign up to when we bring a human into the world but that also comes with wanting what's best for them, making sure they get what they need to become a good person. In this case a jail sentence is what's best, your kid needs to be taught a lesson that you clearly didn't provide. If you had taught him the easy way, with love and nurturing, he wouldn't have to be taught by the justice system and those in it. He needs to be taught that you are not allowed to touch a person unless they say you are allowed. Did you not have the safety talks that we as parents are meant to have? When my son can speak properly and I know he will be spending time with people other than me and my husband, we will sit him down and discuss him that no body is allowed to touch him in anyway unless he is okay with it, he is always allowed to say "no", even if you don't want someone to hug you, you just have to tell them. His body belongs to him and he has control over what happens to it. But nobody is allowed to touch or ask to see his pants area, privates are privates, although doctors, nurses and me or his dad may have to but we will always explain and ask if it's okay first. I'll explain that if anyone does do that he is to say very clearly "no" and  try to get away and if that's not possible because he is scared or he is trapped then he is to tell me or someone he trusts as soon as he can, that I will always believe him and that it is never his fault, that no matter what anyone tells him I will always love him. I will explain the difference between "good" secrets and "bad" ones, that you should always talk to me, you dad or someone else that he trusts about secrets, things or people that make you sad or frightened because we can help, I will tell him that no one can hurt him or his family if he is to tell us a secret. Along side that I will explain he isn't allowed to touch a person without their consent either and that he is to never touch a person in their pants area either because that's private and just like he has the right to say "no" so do they. I'll teach him to respect people and their boundaries. I would have this conversation again when he turned into a teenager, with more mature language and depth. Mr Turner, it is our duty to protect our children from the world but it is also our responsibility to teach our kids right from wrong to protect the world from them.  Mr Turner, if my child was to do something so abhorrent I would feel like a failure as a parent and person. The guilt and shame I would carry would be so heavy. I would blame myself for not teaching him that you're not allowed to rape a person because it's wrong. Usually, I am quite aversive to blaming parents for their child's crimes however, in your case I can clearly see that you have some blame to carry, your actions following your sons arrest and adamancy that your son is a victim of drinking culture and the frat life shows me that you are a man who is not willing to accept culpability when wrong and I can understand where your offspring has picked this up from, in my eyes that makes a very small person, certainly not man. You failed as a parent, which is bad enough but now you are failing as a human being too. I feel sorry for the women in your life. I pity your lack of basic humanity. Honestly, I'm just sad that you can call yourself a father. 

Now on to Brock. Brock you're only a few years younger than me but I'm going to speak to you like I would a child because that is the way you are being portrayed in the media- a helpless, baby-faced young boy who made the mistake of drinking too much. Brock, it's really not hard to refrain from sexually assaulting people. You do realise how many men, no matter how drunk don't assault or rape women? It's pretty simple, Brock yes, means yes. No, means no. Silence, means no. Unconscious, means no. Unresponsive, means no. Consent is given, not assumed. Consent can be give in many ways, enthusiasm, reciprocation, verbally. An unconscious persuon can not show enthusiasm, they cannot reciprocate kissing or touching and they most definitely cannot verbally consent to you entering their body with a part of yours. Now I'm going to address you like the adult you are because if you're old enough to consume alcohol and make the decision to have sex then as far as I'm concerned you are more than old enough to take responsibility for your actions to be honest Brock, no right minded person would want to touch a vile excuse of a human being like you. I hope you never have a child, let alone a daughter because you do not deserve to be entrusted with a life. I wish I could ask every person of this planet to never show any sexual interest in you but apparently you don't need someone to give consent or express interest in you for you to decide that they want it. You are not a victim, you are the damager. You are the person that cause your life and Emily Doe's to collide, you instigated this whole sad, sordid and painful ordeal. Stop cowering behind your daddy and his money, admit what you did wrong, own the fuck up to your crimes, apologise. Stop being a coward. Stop playing the victim. You've already done the damage, there is no turning back time and undoing what you did to her that night. You can't take away what you did to her and the pain it caused. You can un-rape her. But you can start to atone, try to give her closure. You started this, Brock. It's your fault. You have to admit culpability and blame. You turned two lives and many other connected lives upside down because you made the decision to think you mattered more than her. If you want to get past this and not be just a sex offender you have to take blame and start to accept what you did so you can move past it. It will always be with you, like it will be for her, but you can both start to build you separate lives again. 

To Emily Doe, every single one. 

I wish I could hug you, tell you I'm sorry that there are people like that in the world. I wish I could cry with you and tell you that what happened is unfair and I will always stand with you in spirt. I would love to be able to promise you that I will do my best to raise my boy right and that I will try to encourage other to do the same. I hope one day you get to see a world where no one ever puts a hand on a person without consent, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or mental state. I wish I could help you through your pain, hold your hand through each stage of recovery. I wish I could be a part of your direct support system but all I can do is be a voice in the millions of voices who also stand by you. You are not what was done to you, you are a person. You are not just a victim, you are a survivor. Whatever they stole from you and however they did it, you are not to blame. Anyone blaming you, making you feel like any less of a person, ostracising you is in the wrong. You being harmed is the result of someone else's callous actions. Please stay strong. Please keep looking to the future and better times. Please remember that there are people who love you.

To the two Swedish students that saved her - Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being brave and standing up, making a difference. You saved her from what could have been, you stopped it before it got worse. You restrained Brock which couldn't have been easy, emotionally it must have been so distressing. Thank you for being what Brock should have been. Please hug your parents from me and thank them too for raising you boys right. Never stop being that person, keep making differences in the world. 

I have always known that I wanted to be standing with the people who believe in equality, acceptance and protecting our planet but I've never known how, I'm almost 23, I have no great ideas to help clean up the seas, no qualifications, no way of really making a difference but I can help nurture a person who may go on to make a small difference to those around him. If each of us decide to teach our children how to be good, accepting, caring people with morals and decency, a thirst and respect for knowledge, a healthy interest in making the world a better place in any way; then we can help them build a much better future for themselves because we and the generations before us have sure done a good job of fucking it all up. We have to be that balancing generation, it's going to be a hard long journey but if we try maybe one day we won't be ashamed of what we have become as a race. People like Donald Trump and terrorists won't have a voice or place in that time. 

I'm sorry that I'm babbling but sometimes I watch my baby boy sleep and I have to choke back tears because there are so many dangers in the world and I've decided to bring him into this. Sometimes, I think how could I be so selfish? This world can be a dark and harsh place and the thought that he could end up being a victim of that terrifies me. He could end up a plaything to the sick, greedy, immoral people in society. I want to protect him and every child on the earth. But I can't, all I can do is try to make sure I get it right with him and encourage others to do the same. 

Please go to your loved ones and hold them tight. Tell them you love them and try your hardest every single day to be the best you can, spread a little positivity and laughter. Just be a good person, that's all we can really do. 

With all of my love,


Friday, 27 May 2016

Halp! My Uterus is trying to murder me!

Shark week, Auntie Flo, lady problems, little sister, Sophia, whatever you want to call your menstrual cycle, and there are many names/euphemisms - your menstrual cycle is a wonderful (read: fucking annoying) reminder that you are a woman. Personally, I call it "Bitch Syndrome" or "Aunty Flo" because I am devil spawn in the week of and leading up to my period, I will politely warn my husband that I am going to be syndromey and he knows to leave me be, brace for all the emotions and maybe bring home GÜ ganache pots, those are the best things ever. I love using the little pots for setting out pills and storing cinnamon sugar.

If I have had a really stressful month I can guarantee I am going to have an awful period. It will start in maybe the third week of the month and it comes in phases.
Let my break it down for ya:

The first phase - Fuck Off
I will feel a little more anxious and annoyed, I am always upset and my temper is easily stirred. I clean and organise lots. I don't like food and I find it hard to sleep.

The second phase - #TotesEmosh
I am a teary, clingy, jumpy mess. I am way more likely to have panic attacks and be found crying about something dumb. I want all the food and I wake up really early in a really good mood, which usually ends around 8am. I will clean and re-clean everything, I bake and cook loads.

The third phase - Numb
I am really void of emotion and motivation. I just want it to be over. I don't get hungry.  I don't want to do anything. I avoid people a lot.

Each of these phases lasts a couple of days or depending on the month it can be just the one. This month I seem to be flitting between phases two and three.

I have a few things that I do to help myself and make this shitty time better and I'd like to share them with you. I'ma be your fairy boss mumma and help you solider through dis shizzzzz, (Interesting fact: tampons were used to plug up bullet wounds, especially during WW1) so let's get to it:

1. Tracking
I track my cycle as diligently as my brain will let me. I use the Clue App, it was mentioned in a Laci Green video and honestly it's the best I have used, since I've had an iPhone I've gone through a few and I've either hated using it or the icon but the Clue App has a pretty cool icon and navigation of the app is simple. The app allows you to pick and choose what you track things like your period (obviously) but also, body stats - fluid, temperature, hair and skin, vitality - energy, sleep and activities - sex, exercise. I find it really helpful to be able to track things like my sleep, mood and exercise. I feel bad when I don't tick the yoga option so I am likely to do just a few minutes at least to make my self feel better. You can also set reminders to fill in my Clue daily and other things like breast checks. They're are customisable so I may have made some inappropriate reminders...

As you can see I have a really awful sense of humour. I always laugh when they pop up but it is actually quite nice to know what's going on. My days sort of meld together and I'm terrible with dates so it's really helpful. I've been able to identify a lot using the app; last month my poor family had to deal with me having a really tough time, lots of tears and hyperventilating and with the help of the app I realised I wasn't sleeping well, was a bit miserable and stressed but I just hadn't really noticed that it had been a little while that I had been feeling down and that was what led to my anxiety spiking. I had been letting it all build up until I just could anymore instead of asking for help, which is dumb because all four of them always ask if I need help or a chat. At the end of the month the guys at Clue send you a cycle review, with some facts and tips. I really recommend getting the Clue app. It's free and a great way of keeping up with your body.

2. Treats
So, I love getting post, hate going to town to pick up my supplies and am terrible at shopping, My husband is always telling me to treat myself but I rarely ever buy things I don't need (unless it's food, but if you ask me - it is food so I need it) I decided to get a Pink Parcel after seeing it on Facebook. The monthly subscription service sends your supply of tampons and/or towels in the brand, absorbency and quantity you specify when the sign up and they send them out to you on one of three selected dates close to your period, along with some treats such as tea, chocolate, cosmetics, jewellery and beauty products as little pick-me-up gifts to make you smile. The first box is £9.95 and £12.95 (including P&P) there after, you can cancel anytime free of charge unless your Pink Parcel has already been dispatched then you will be charged for that one. Although I've heard that it's price is going down to £10.50. The packaging is discreet and elegant and I always look forward to it.
Here is what I got in my Pink Parcel this month.

The packaging is so pretty! I love the colours and organisation. I would love to add ribbon to the drawstring bag or a little tissue paper in the for you box. I love the Pink Parcel Post booklet! Super cute and concise but informative. I got all my normal sanitary products, although I'm interested in the organic tampons so I may try them next month. Omg the FabLittleBags are genuinely FAB! I'm gunna be ordering a couple of packs from their website (also available at Waitrose, Ocado, Whole Foods and online at Ethical Superstore).  I love that they aren't noisy, you can use them one handed and they are partly made from sugar cane so they are biodegradable! #MotherNature

The nail polish by True Brit is so nice, it's such a pretty neutral grey! I used to wear a colour almost identical to it but I couldn't find another bottle when I ran out so this made me super happy! I'm really into my Simple products so I'm so happy that I've a travel friendly toner that I can take with me on holiday in a few weeks. While the Badger Balm smells gorgeous and is super calming it doesn't help me sleep, but it seems to be working on my little one, nap time was a breeze. I love the Lottie brush, it's super cute and soft, I've been using it for my brows. The Cougar Perfect Pout product didn't really do anything for my already pouty lips but it was nice as a lipgloss so I'm happy with it.

Omg the Rococo bar was delicious, I shared it with my son and he was so pleased. The tea was really nice too, I'm not sure if I would buy it as I couldn't drink it all of the time but it was a pleasant treat! And the fudge... I'll be persuading the Mr Husband Man for a box of this it's so good. My birthday is coming so I might just have a birthday cake of fudge! Fudge Kitchen, you guys down?

3. Products
So this splits into a few smaller topics.

- Underwear
Like most girls I have a bunch of underwear set aside that I don't mind getting ruined but instead of them being old panties that got ruined at some point so they have been relegated to a sad life or boring ones that I don't like, I found a bunch of cheap, cute, comfortable, super soft and properly fitting underwear that I can match up with some bras that I have (because I have to wear matching underwear, even if just vaguely matching or I feel really uneasy) and it's made such a difference. I feel like I have my life together just because I am not loser in ugly mismatched pants with cramps. Also, the fact they fit really well means my pads stay in place at night and my liners don't bunch up or stick to me during the day.

- Sanitary Products
I switched from pads to tampons (Tampax Pearl in Regular with an Applicator) when I got married and I wish I had done it so much easier and cleaner but after being instilled with the fear of God and death when I mentioned them to my mother, I was terrified of dying from TSS and so decided against using them. As such I suffered more than I needed to but when I got older I looked into it and realised that like anything if you are careful about the proper use and follow instructions you're quite likely to be okay, so always your hands before and after changing a tampon, use the lowest absorbency you can, change regularly (between 4-8 hours), don't use them at night and use pads or liners for lighter days. I actually set a three hour timer on my phone after I've changed so I don't forget, with chores and my son three hours can feel like an hour and so it's very easy to lose track of time, anything can be dangerous of you don't use it properly/safely. I also use liners (Always Dailies flexi thin, non-scented and Bodyform Daily Fresh Mirco liners) to give me that extra confidence that I haven't bled over everything I love, I'm like "Fuck it! I'll wear white jeans, come at me Mother Nature". I cannot stress enough that finding the right products for you instead of just making do is such an important thing for you to feel as comfortable as possible when your uterus is going all Hari Kari on you.

- Pain Relief
So, I keep painkillers and hot water bottles close by, using them when I need to because I am weak, no it's not because I'm weak it's because it fuckin' kills. I have pretty shitty cycles so it just makes sense. I got stuff to do, ain't no pain gunna stop me- I'ma stop pain, motherfucker.

I will eat whatever I want. It's not the healthiest approach but idgaf. Ain't no bitch tellin' me to eat less chocolate and drink caffeine because it makes it worse. Bitch, it's bad enough who gives a fuck if it's a little worse. But I do have a few things that I've heard help - things that are high in calcium such as soy, sesame, cheese and almonds are good bets. So I like to pick up a pack of sesame snaps, some soy milk chocolate shake, a few nice bits for my cheese board and a pack of almonds just for me to nibble and graze on, if I'm honest I have no idea if it helps but they taste good. Oh and large navel oranges, the vitamin c in it is meant to help you hurry along the bleeding, again I have no idea if it does work for me but I do know I would eat crappy unhealthy food all day if it were my choice so it's a good thing to add. Just don't eat like 12 oranges in a really short space of time, especially if you have really sensitive skin... You may break out in Fordyce spots on your lips and they are awfully sore. I didn't do this... I heard it once :/

5. '*~•.AcTiViTiEs.•~*'
I don't just mean exercise, but very light yoga and such does help me feel less scrunched up and alleviate cramps ever so slightly. I do however suggest sleeping early if possible, taking time out of your day to do a something that you like, watching a movie that always makes you cry - I always feel dumb crying over a burnt piece of toast or something minor because it is just not really worth the energy but I can't help it so I like having a way to channel it that feels valid to me like Baz Luhrmans 1996 version of Romeo and Juilet. No but, Leonardo DeCaprio clutching and crying over a sixteen-year-old Clare Danes' body always gets me "Thus with a kiss I die" *SOBBING* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I find just taking some time to be alone with myself is helpful to me. I feel calmer when I've had some me time.

Let's face it periods suck but hey at least you can do s few things to make it suck less! Learning your body will help you to get more comfortable with it, one thing I've noticed since the last year, is that I'm less conscious of it. I used to use only scented products and be constantly worried about leaks and stains but I've now converted to unscented and I feel more in control and confident. But remember your body isn't a clock and day-to-day life stresses will have an affect on you. If you're suffering awful cycles or are worried about whether you're healthy/normal make an appointment with your doctor and find out - the sex ed in the UK is terrible but you can always educate yourself with the right sources and help.

Anyway, I have some of that Rococo Bee Bar left and I am desperate to eat it so laaaaaterzzzz and may your day be pleasant.

What's your favourite euphemism for periods?