Friday, 30 May 2014

Summer Mocktails :D

I love a good mocktail, most of the bill when my husband and I go out to a meal is my drinks tbh! But it's not always possible to find drinks on the shelves that have a few flavours in and taste great so I went and got my self a pretty pink and clear plastic drinks cup with a straw so I can always have yummy drinks, I even got a love-heart icecube tray! Lol but yeah so I had the pretty cup and pretty cubes but no drinks to put in so I started experimenting...

1) Pear, Apple and Elderflower Sparkler
I really love this drink, it's fresh and yummy, it goes well with food and it just great to carry around while it's hot. So I keep tinned pears around the house pretty much all the time because I don't have the patience to wait for the bastards to ripen so I always have a supply of pear syrup stuff that I end up chucking down the sink before I recycle the tin. One time I was about to chuck it out and I saw my cup that had a small amount of apple juice in so I mixed the two and just for good measure - and cuz it was quite thick -  I added some elderflower presse and there I had a yummy as hell drink.
So grab your cup or glass and add apple juice until it's about a quarter filled then add the elderflower presse until it's about 3/4 full, lastly keep adding pear syrup until it tastes good :D

2) Lemon Ice Tea
I used to buy, Liptons Iced Tea all the time and I do still love it but when I am in a rush around lunch time when I am off to have lunch with my hubby I just can't be bothered to pop into a store to grab some so instead while I am waiting for his lunch to cool, cook or whatever I make this.
Take your Cup and cold water to it, stir in tea bag until the water looks like weak tea, add lemon slices, lemon juice and honey to taste, finally drop your ice cubes in and you have one yummy, homemade iced tea.

3) Lime Zing
This drink was actually a total accident. For one of our date nights I had decided I would make sorbet... however I hadn't read the full recipe before starting it and half way through it called for egg - my hubby is severely allergic to egg - like anaphylactic so I was a bit buggered and wasn't sure what to do. It smelled so fresh and really tangy so I added a little to some ice water and it was like all my taste buds had gotten licked by a lime - it was so good, my hubby tried and also loved it and now it's my go to for fancy drinks.
Get four limes, juice them all and grate the zest of two, add the lime juice and zest to two cups of water, stir together and add this all to a pan, simmer gently whilst adding two table spoons of sugar and a pinch of salt, the mixture should slowly thicken just slightly. Cool and then add to ice water when you want - basically use it like a squash or cordial.

4) Cranberry, Lemonade and Apple
I love cranberry juice, like I can drink litres of the stuff - my little sister however didn't like the bitter taste when she was younger but she still wanted to drink it so I would mix have a glass of cranberry juice with a 1/4 apple juice and 1/4 lemonade to cut the bitterness for her and she loved it. I now make it for myself when I miss her or when I am at my Maa's.

5) Iced chocolate Moncha
Yes that does in fact say Moncha - I do know that the drink is called a mocha but because I make these they are called Moncha's - deal with it. Get a glass, add two-three teaspoons of chocolate flavored milkshake mix, then fill with milk to the desired level and stir, add two spoonfuls of sugar, one spoon of coffee and stir until all coffee granules are totally dissolved, drizzle in chocolate syrup and drop in some icecubes and sip away! You can use any milk you want, I use lactose free milk cuz I'm intolerant but it still tastes good!

You can mix up all of the drinks here to suit your taste or mood, so get going!

Whats your favourite drink in the summer?



Monday, 26 May 2014

Why I feel sorry for dudes and their dicks.

 Cucumbers, those weird dildo things and other mildly phallic representing objects we are issued with when learning to use a condom in Sex Ed. do not accurately represent dicks- not physically, not in size, not in feel, just not in any way but our young and naive minds are tricked into thinking that what we are shown is what a dick will always look like: erect, hairless, veinless and terrifyingly big, and it will feel bendy like those giant school rubbers (hahaha rubbers... Cuz I'm talking about dick and that's another name for condoms... HAHAHAHA. I'm so sorry, I'm finding this funnier than it is, oh god. I can't breathe. Hahaha... Ahem okay I'm... I'm done. *clears throat*) but that's a lie.

This notion is what made me ask the only guy I could when I grew up - my poor hubby - how do you walk? Doesn't it like get in the way? Isn't it awkward?

Also, at no point are we faced with a disembodied penis that still has it's hat on - if you know what I mean? Yet many men will still have a hat. We are tricked into thinking hats are strange and gross. My religion says that dudes must have their hats removed, they say it's more hygienic tbh idk cuz I don't have one but not all men are hatless. So this means women will encounter men with hats - depending on her preference she will react according but it is likely she will be like "eww it looks weird". But men are born with hats - it is only removed due to medical or religious factors so why is this frowned upon. For me it's like we women aren't born with boobs, these things appear and we have to get used to life with them but it's fine, but guys are born with it and then are scrutinised for it. It doesn't make sense to me.

We women think men know when they get "happy" or what ever euphemism you'd like to use but we don't realise it happens for no apparent reason sometimes. They aren't really in control of it tbh. This is why that scene from The Inbetweeners exsists where Simon starts slapping his own knob because it's "not working", they have no control over it - it does as it pleases. Sometimes they are just snuggling and cuddling you and it's all "yeah let's have sex" and they are like "no go back to sleep, I just want to cuddle up". I feel sorry for them. Like our boobs don't do that. You think women are emotional wrecks imagine not being able to control a body part - like if your arm just did it's own thing, a mate of mine once said that "dicks are like lazy eyes" I wasn't really sure what he meant at the time but I get it now. 

We spend many teenage years drawing dicks on things- the faces of our sleeping unsuspecting classmates, work sheets, exercise books, notebooks, wooden science class tables, exam papers with invisible ink... Maybe that was just me. But that's not really what a dick looks like, is it? We draw proportionate testicles, we draw straight shafts and such. Next time your bored and you're about to draw a dick on the corner of your friends work, opt for drawing lady parts instead - I promise you that is some of the most difficult shit you will come across. It's hard to draw a floating anonymous lady garden - but knobs are easy to draw. Bless them. 

At this point I feel the need to point out that I haven't been surveying and charting dicks all my life. It's just an observation made from the years of conversations about said body parts with my teenage chick mates and guy mates. Guys are insecure about their best friends like chicks are about their boobs. We are the same but different. Lol.

I'm not a porn watcher and
I'm not one of those people that could discuss with my friends their porn habits, but from what I can surmise through media and such - the girls are always perfect, like that's everyone's main issue with porn - it portrays women in an unattainable perfect light, so by extension the guys must be of a similar standard. If so that means not only are men being tricked into thinking women must act and look like they do on their screens but they too must act and look like the guys on their screens, furthermore women who watch porn must also be subliminally thinking the same but you know, like the other way around. Now I'm one of those weirdos that watches Embarrassing Bodies - mainly because I can't stop laughing at the plight of others (I know cruel), plus the stories that come out are so funny. However from this show I've learnt there are many dudes out there in the world with bent boners- some due to accidents during acts of debauchery; other just cuz they have a wonky dick, uneven balls and little men that are being secretly punished by none other than themselves - they think they aren't normal.

Differences are normal. Nature in essence is diversity. No two balls are the same, my readers. 

So ladies please for the sake of our lads- stop shaming the little guys, don't point out it's wonky and leave trying to figure out which is bigger, stop wanting six-packs as they are just inflamed muscle just like a twisted ankle, cuz if you do that maybe, just maybe lads will stop wanting girls with perfect asses, perfect boobs and perfect bodies.

We all need to learn to love ourselves and the people we are intimate with, with open eyes and hearts.



Saturday, 24 May 2014

To the child I will one day have.

I don't promise to be the perfect mother. I don't promise I will always be right. I don't promise you will always think I'm a nice person however I do promise to love you, forever and infinity. I will make you smile at least once a day. I will teach you everything I know to be good. I will give you all the patience I can. I will  kiss you everyday. I will hug you everyday. I will do everything in my power to protect you. I will always be there in some shape way or form. You can always come to me with everything and anything. I will praise your small achievements as well as big, but I will always push you to be better; I will never let you do anything but your best. I will take your bad with your good and let you make your own decisions and mistakes were I feel you are meant to. I will never allow you raise your voice to me. You may not like my way or agree with it but I am only trying to give you the tools in life that you require. I will make you eat your vegetables and lie about their benefits. I will pretend there is a monster that takes little naughty kids away. I will tell you off when you have done wrong and sanction you. I  will care for your mental well being as well as your physical well being. I will kiss better cuts and tickle tears away. I will nurse fevers and change nappies. I will blow raspberries on your belly. I will chase you around at the park. I will try not to be embarrassing but it's hard not to be when you're me. I will try to understand you and help you grow as much as I can.

I will read to you. I will help you with homework. I will help you get dressed in the morning. I will teach you to use your manners. I will teach you to tidy up after yourself. I will do my best to teach right from wrong. I will try to never dim your own personality. I will make one your favourite meals at least once a week.  I let you stay up during holidays. You can have sleepovers. I will plan awesome birthday parties. You will have the coolest bedroom. I will give you all you want, within reason but you must deserve it.

When you are a teenager I will have "the talk" with you. I will explain to the fullest of my ability what you will go through, I promise you can come to me with any question and I will answer it. When you like someone you can tell me, I promise to be a shoulder to rest your head on and whine about them. When you're having a tough time with exams I promise to try and help. When you come home after skiving the day I will go apeshit because I will find out as I see everything when it comes to you. I will try to grow with you as a parent. I will support you and guide you with the decisions you make regarding education and what you want to do with your life. I will always be there for a hug when everything feels like it is falling apart. You can call me up anytime of the day or night and I will be at the other end. You can always bring your washing home to me. You can always come home, whenever you want, for whatever reason. I will always be honest about my opinions when you ask for them. I will always try to be the voice of reason. 

I will try my level best to not embarrass you in front of your partner - but I don't promise. I will love then regardless as long as they make you happy. I will try not to stick my nose into your relationship and only give advice when it is asked for. I will be honest about if you have ugly babies (OMG hahaha). I will always be around to babysit or help out if/as/when you require it.

I hope when I'm gone and there is only my memory left you will think I did alright. There is no manual, no instructions and when the time comes I will be running around like a headless chicken trying to do right by you. I hope I get it right. I hope you grow up to be a happy, good human being with a fulfilling life and loving people surrounding you. I hope anyone who meets you is left with a good impression or you teach them something. I hope you smile and laugh everyday. I hope you live your life the way you want to with no holding back and no regrets.

I hope I can be everything you need.

Lots of love


Monday, 12 May 2014

Albums that I love.

Omg I have the fuckiest cough/sore throat - I feel like fucking Hell. Ugh someone come and look after me. Nothing seems to be helping, salt water gargles, soothers, lemon and honey water, honey and black pepper; I even ate a vindaloo with chips, nothing I still feel ill. Ugh. OMG Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D I'm like so hooked - like Ward and Hydra and he killed the fat dude - and Sky kissed him! Lol I'm guessing that wasn't really a coherent recap! But anyways yeah I love that show. Idk if any one in the UK reads my blog but Derek series two? I can't... It just... I'm like on one hand I like seeing Derek and the other is just all too serious and grown up and emotional, the last series was just funny and sometimes quite poignant but otherwise it was upbeat- this season is just miserable at times. 

Anyways enough of my bitching, lets start with this blog. These are in no particular order it's just the order they came to my head.

The Game - Doctor's Advocate
OMG this entire album is just insane. Like track after track is just crazy. So as far as I can recall this is the first album to be released after the whole 50 Cent/G-Unit shit went down and The Game left Aftermath, in a few of the tracks he claims that the fued is over but tbh we all know that Game thinks 50 Cent is a little bitch and he's right - the crap that the ex-G-unit member is coming out with is so bad - he's reinvented himself and it's just not working very well for him; anyways back to Doctor's Advocate... So we all know that Dr Dre doesn't feature on any of the tracks as a producers but I'm sad to say that it doesn't really take too much away from the albums, Kanye West does a track and idk if it's me but it has such a Graduation feel to it- I love 'Would Get Far', it's just such a track that I can see The Game laughing too (which is a little scary lol). There are two Scott Storch produced tracks, both of which are shit hot! I love the featured/produced track, It's Okay (One Blood) as far as I am concerned is the biggest hit on that album was co-produced by Reefa (think - Fabolous, Gucci Mane and Rick Ross) and D-Roc from the Ying Yang Twins - this track is just so fucking intense and intricate. I'm not really into my producers  so I'm not really sure of the rest but this album is one that cemented Hip Hop in my heart. I was never really a Game fan, like I knew who he was and had heard many of his features but I had just never really cared to listen to his own stuff but my hubby is like Game/DMX diehard so I've been listening to a lot of stuff over the past few years and The Game is just amazing - the only thing I don't like about him is his sense of self-awesome comparing yourself to the likes Tupac, Nas, Biggie or Eminem is just silly - be The Game cuz these other rappers are/were not trying to be anyone else but them and unapologetically so. 

Norah Jones - The Fall
Don't judge me. This album is funny, heart breaking, intense and I've cried to it many times. I love nearly every track, the lyrics are so beautiful and meaningful, the melodies are so intricate, it's just such a soulful album. My favourite time to listen to it is near Christmas, whilst curled up with a book. This album has got me through so many really tough times. Norah Jones' voice is just so perfect. 

Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
Oh God. This is one of the best collaborations like ever- like I would put this producer/artist collab in my top ten. It was just so flawless - like you can tell how much fun they had working together. The track preludes make you melt, the fact that most of the tracks are like six minutes long doesn't even matter because you just love what is playing so much.  Track after track is a sing along track; for me it is still one of the sexiest albums ever made in my eyes. I'm not sure if this is true but apparently JT didn't write any of this lyrics down of paper (apart from like one of them) because he felt it would slow him down, some of those lyrics are just so damn hot! Critically as far as I remember it wasn't particularly favoured, with complaints that the lyrics (that I love) were clumsy but the melodies were intricate. I love this album. I listen to it all time, from start to finish, what ever my mood.

Escape the Fate - Dying Is Your Latest Fashion
Okay I was like thirteen/fourteen when I first listened to this and I was in love from the first time I heard Ronnie Radke do that screeching thing he does at the end of every line and the breathing thing he does at 2:14 on Situations. I was hooked - I listened to that damn album so many times, my little sister knew the words to 'When I Go Out, I Want To Go Out On a Chariot of Fire' and would dance to it with me (much to my Maa's chagrin). I love the guitars - it made me regret giving up playing (which I only did because my cousin started playing too and I'm a dick and hate being copied), the drums make my head do stuff that I can't control, the screamo makes me go all fan-girly, I just... I'm sorry. I can't even like control myself. I just love this crappy album so much.

Kanye West -  Graduation
My favourite album from Kanye. I won't lie I haven't really given 'College Dropout' much of a chance, and I do like 'Late Registration' but I just love 'Graduation' so so so much, every track. I love the samples he's pulled from the likes of Elton John to Public Enemy, it just melts my little brain. I also love that he was in on nearly every track producing. The random features with Lil Wayne on 'Barry Bonds' and Chris Martin on 'Homecoming', it's just such a good album. Most of the tracks have that deep bass that makes me listen to pretty much anything that has it. He has some of his smartest lines in this album as far as I'm concerned. I remember listening to this after a lot of stressful times and before meeting people just to psyche myself up too. This album is what made me like Kanye West and his recent one is what made me dislike him. Let's hope he goes back to his old music roots and starts producing again. 

Paramore - Riot & Paramore - All We Know
These two albums got me through so so so much. They actually helped me make decisions in my life, I'm vaguely appauld to say and even to this very day make me feel so much from my past. Each song has so many memories, I can see where I was at various times whilst listening to them. I love the vocals, the guitars, just every thing about every song. These are the last albums of Paramore I've listened too, I didn't like many of the tracks that came after these two, you know after the line-up change it wasn't the same. But the lyrics on these tracks have been cornerstones in my teenage year - "I've hoped for change but still I feel the same", "I'll watch his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you", "And here we go again, with everything we said, and not a minute spent to thin at we'd regret... Forget the things we swore we meant", "something's I'll never know and I had to let them go", "maybe if my heart stops beating it won't hurt this much", "with my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong"- so so so many words that just live in my heart. 

Rihanna - Good Girls Gone Bad
Every track was perfect on this track. There were edgy tracks, there were the usual pop tracks, some dance tracks but all thee tracks were good tracks. You could connect to them and the lyrics and some you could just sing along to - it had the hits 'Umbrella', 'Rehab' and 'Hate That I Love You' which all remind me of school and afternoons in class. The forst person that played me 'Umbrella' was Katie, 'Rehab' was Hazel and I heard the latter on the radio. But yeah this is a really young-me music lover. 

The Kills - Midnight Boom
Sexy, edgy, raw. This album makes me just chill out. 'U R A Fever', 'Cheap and Cheerful', 'Last Days of Magic' and 'M.e.x.i.c.o' are my favourite tracks. Lyrically none of these tracks really make much sense, the melodies are just as strange but there is just something about it that pulls you in.

Jay Sean - All or Nothing
I just love Jay Sean's voice, this album was probably the last time he made anything decent. 'Lights Out' was the anthem of my life for a good while, 'Down' (twilight mix) is so beautiful. But I still think he should have stuck with Rishi Rich and Juggy D. 

Eminem - The Eminem Show

This is arguably the best overall album Eminem has ever released. Tracks like 'White America', 'Without Me', 'Square Dance', 'Cleanin' Out My Closet' and 'Sing For The Moment' are just staples when you think of Em, then you see a vulnerable side to Shady with 'Hailie's Song' and then you just marvel at the features. The lyrics just seem to have come so easily to him - he wrote nearly every track and produced all but three which were produced by Dr Dre. Seriously I just really love this album.
Notorious B.I.G - Greatest Hits
I heard this album quite late on into my teenage years and I think thats why I liked it- I'm not sure I would have really paid much attention to it when I was into my emo-y music lol. But yeah much to my husbands pain I am actually a Biggie Fan and not really into Tupac like don't get me wrong lyrically he's phenomenal and way ahead of his time and to this day blows most rappers out of the water but... It's just not as much fun. You can have so much fun to most Biggie tracks. 

P. Diddy - We Invented the Remix

YEEEEEEEEEEEEES. Diddy randomly just shouting stuff all the time is just the best lol. Don't hate me but I like the 'Bad Boy for Life' remix better than the original. 

I will add more, I just can't think of anything but being ill now so laters.




Friday, 9 May 2014

Exams, Wedding planning and 3 weeks.

I read that it takes the average bride-to-be 21 months to plan her wedding. I have helped plan two weddings, assisted at two and planned my own, bar mine they were very big affairs with loads of people and lots to plan and do- it still didn't take as long as that. I planned mine in about three weeks- I'd say; whilst at college, during my exams and I was still 18 at the time. I don't get what you girls are planning. It wasn't stressful, I wasn't a bridezilla. I didn't have any qualms with anything or anyone. It was a wonderful, relaxed planning and I found it great fun.

So I met my husband when I was just 17. We actually met at a wedding and we hit it off straight way, we got on really well. We spent the two days (one of them was actually Valentines' Day) together messing about, playing games just to pass the time, teasing eachother and just generally dicking about. My Maa figured he liked me then, something about the way he looked at me but I was pretty much in my own little world and didn't think anything of it.  A few months later we met again at yet another wedding which I was helping out at - I looked like hell, I had been taken into A&E after working myself to exhaustion to get the table settings at this damn wedding done and running around here, there and fucking everywhere for everyone that asked, I was in like day old clothes, my hair desperately needed a washing, I just looked like a little bag lady basically, but we got talking and again we got on really well. Now we aren't sure where this came from but he was told by a mutual friend that I was annoyed at him for not keeping in touch the first time we had met - not true. I hadn't even given him my number then, I hadn't even thought about it - people were forever coming in and out of my life at the time, it was hard to keep track of everyone (now I barely talk to anyone, it's so much easier) but yeah I wasn't annoyed but he thought I was and then he was given my number and he texted me a few times. I was busy at the time but responded the next day I think - he says I was playing hard to get, truth is I was tired. LOL.

We chatted non-stop for two weeks like everyday and accidentally ended up staying awake until like 1am texting so many times and we were both going through a lot at the time - I was starting college in September, he was getting promoted and we kept finding that the other was the one we wanted to tell first, which was big as far as we go. We kept texting eachother at the same time or just as the one was about to text, the other texted. Then something had changed and we both noticed it - we had fallen in love. That was about it. We just knew there and then - we were meant to be.

New years Eve, after he had spoken to my Maa, he got down on his knee and held both of my hands and asked me to marry him and I said yes (obviously). I won't lie I was tempted to fuck with him and say "no" lol! He was so nervous, bless him.

April we got islamically married- it was a traditional affair. Mosque, less than 10 people in attendance - the Imam read us our vows and we exchanged rings, my Maa did the catering. We all wore white. I planned that with my Maa in about a week - I think on the Tuesday I chose his ring in the first shop I went to but my Maa took me to like ten more to make sure it was the right one, two day later we had the date, Imam and mosque booked and paid for. Then at the weekend we went wedding shopping - I choose my dress in two hours, my bangles in 20 minutes, my shoes in about 10 minutes and we even had time for a nice meal too. We chose all of the Asian sweets and bought loads, it was a pretty fun, chill day.

June, like 2 weeks after my birthday (I was 19) we had our registry wedding ceremony - me and my Maa planned it all together, my husband was too busy with my ring and tbh didn't really mind at all what we did as long as at the end of it we were married - I was free to choose whatever I wanted. 

In the first week I choose my flowers on the way back from college - I think it took about 15 minutes, I told the lady I was getting married and I would need flowers and she asked me what types of flowers I had in mind and I already knew that lilies, white roses and gyphsophillia were my only requests, she opened the book up and showed me a beautiful cascade bouquet that was exactly what I wanted but with blue roses and she suggested filling it out with lots of green leaves and adding little gems to the centre of the flowers to pretty it up a bit and I was sold. I came home and told my Maa she came with me the next day to see the idea, it was reminiscent of her bouquet with less colour and more simplicity, we ordered them and paid for them and that was done, then we went to pick out the ring - I fell head over heels in love with one at the shop I had purchased the previous one but again my Maa took me to others just to make sure but about an hour later we came back and I got that one. My hair for the day was done by a wonderful stylist who was actually studying at my college at the time, I had been to so many salons the evening before and just couldn't click with anyone and it was really important to me that I liked the person because they would be apart of my wedding day and I needed them to be a good memory so I basically walked into the salon that the students used and asked the receptionists if any of the students would want to work on my hair for a wedding, she asked me to wait and then I was greeted by one of the teachers there she told me she has a girl in mind and that she would put me in touch with her, I meet Rheane the next day and got on with her like a house on fire, that weekend we did a trial and she knew exactly what I wanted - soft, romantic and styled natural and she got it spot on. She then introduced me to a colleague of hers: Freya- who was just amazing, we spoke on the phone and clicked straight away, she came the following weekend and we had a great time and she did my makeup beautifully. I was thrilled to have found such lovely people to begin my day with on the one of the happiest days of my life. My Maa sorted out the registry office I had picked in Mid Devon and helped me pick out singer for the day - I heard her voice on Youtube and was instantly in love, she agreed to sing songs that were so important to both, me and my husband, she was booked before my makeup trials. The cottage we decided to have the mehndi, reception and honeymoon at was picked, view and booked with in a few days. We chose and booked the hummer. The weekend after we went to buy my wedding dress, the first shop we walked into I saw it - my dress, exactly the way I wanted it. Perfect, detailed and just waiting for me, we went to the same shop I had gotten my last bangles and that was that. When we got back we got the girls that would be doing my mehndi, they were the only things that took a little searching - Exeter didn't have many henna artists apparently. My Maa would again be doing the catering, with the help of my uncle who was a full time chef. Jenni Benni would be taking pictures of the day, she takes stunning photos. We booked the black Hummer limousine after struggling to find a specifically black Hummer - it was something I was picky about, idk I just think limousines aren't as cool as they used to be and I wanted something a little different.

A few days before my wedding my husband drove down from the North. Two days before we got his suit, our shoes and the cupcakes. My Maa had a few bits and bobs to pick up too but otherwise we were all set and ready.

We all met up at the cottage the day before. My sister, brother, Maa, two uncles and three of my friends, and of course my husband and I but that was it. We had the girls that were doing my mehndi come over and we all sat at the table and giggled and talked, we ate and it was really cool. We wanted a really small, intimate wedding. It was great fun. The day was perfect. If you look back on the pictures we all look like we are having a great time- the only one who doesn't look happy is my Maa but she was giving her eldest daughter away so she can be excused plus she hadn't slept in weeks. But yeah - the cottage we stayed in was stunning, the grounds were wonderful and it even had a pool. The kids played in the pool the whole time!

The day was wonderful- I woke up early and had a really long bath; I really pampered myself - face mask, rose scented bath melt, hair mask. I really indulged. It was so good! I came out, got dressed in to pyjamas and went down stairs. My Maa and everyone were having breakfast. My sister and brother were flitting around my husband, at one point they were upstairs playing on the Wii, my uncles were around helping my Maa set the last finishing touches. My bridesmaid were awake so we piled into my room and started getting ready - Rheane and Freya arrived and got to work on my face and hair but we were still having a ball! My Maa was zipping around doing things. The Hummer arrived and we all were off to get us married! We had a great time in there too, all of us messing around, listening to music and having a laugh. The Mid Devon Registry office is beautiful, honestly it is stunning- we did all the official stuff and got back into the limo had a little mini party in the back!

Back at the cottage we all got changed into jeans and t-shirts and the celebrations and food began! My Maa and uncles had made loads! We ate, grabbed a cup cake, chilled by the pool, explored the grounds. In the afternoon Sarah Haseler - the vocalist we had chosen performed and I sat on my husbands lap as she sang some of the songs my husband and I had talked about when we first had started talking - DJ Sammy - Heaven (twilight mix), Leona Lewis - Run and so many more. 

It was the most perfect day I could have asked for, I wouldn't change any of the details. 

I opted for a small wedding for a few personal reasons but I'm glad a did because I was able to really enjoy it. I didn't have to worry about if anyone was happy or upset by something someone has said or done, I didn't have to worry about if there would be enough space or table settings, I didn't fuss over what people wore, I didn't have to worry about anything going wrong and it was still a June wedding, the weather was great, my dress was amazing and it was my day. Ladies, if it ends up being that stressful, honestly, is that what you want? To remember all the near-disasters? 

We did have to deal with everyone being annoyed at not being invited but as far as we were concerned it was our wedding and if you cared about us you would have wanted it to the way we wanted it, not the way you did.

Anyways, that was my wedding story. What is your dream wedding?




Fashion trends I really hate...

There are  lots of fashion I don't like... usually because I can't pull them off but some of them are just gross and tacky as far as I'm concerned and after talking to friends, I just realised I really dislike a lot of things, I'm just not very easily impressed I guess. Things annoy me quite quickly, I am not really sure why. So yeah these fashion trends really piss me off, it's like I can see this stupid stuff everywhere and it's like "you do realise how dumb you look? Please tell me I'm not the first person to point this out". I think you should dress in what compliments and suits your body and personality, not what is in atm and is on everyone. But yeah here we go:

1) Ass-cheek short shorts.

I don't care how nice of an ass you have bitch, I don't want to see your fucking asscheeks hanging out. Cover that up - I get it, it's a little warm and now you are gunna start fucking stripping but seriously there is no point in you wearing those shorts, it's just painful to look I mean like isn't that giving you a wedgie? Like is that comfortable? Because it sure as fuck does NOT look it. I love seeing girls try to casually, undercover fix a wedgie, it's like "I saw you". Hahaha. I saw you pull your g-string shorts out of your ass crack - it wouldn't be there if you just fucking wore normal shorts.

2) Fringing

What they fuck is with that detailing? I just can't deal with it. I just think it's just so lazy and really quite tacky, something that could have been understated and elegant ends up looking like a ten-year-old stuck a bunch of crap on it. And there doesn't seem to be a length that is universally acceptable, some are super long and some and like Hailey-Paramore-stupid-fringe short. When it's all over an item of clothing it looks like you're gunna start doing a weird erotic dance like those Gatsby Girls, it disturbs me. there is just too much movement, it's alive and I can't process that.

3) High-waisted items

Hahahahahahaaaaaa. OMG every time I see anything high waisted I just think it looks like you are wearing a nappy. Like tucking your top into your jeans or skirt or what ever, is the best way to make the top half of you look dumpy. Your ass look strangely long, your stomach looks like weird roll in your trousers when you sit down, it's just not a good look please stop that shit, babes. Not even celebrities can pull them off, they are just a no fly zone and omg if you're a midget like me them you need to stay away from them like they are radioactive.

4) Flat platforms

These confuse me so much, I don't get how you walk in them. They look uncomfortable and awkward. I've rarely seen a chick that pulls them off. They are just so ugly. Walking in them looks weird too, it totally looks like you're plodding along, you can't walk in remotely attractive or even normal way with them.

5) Contrast Dip Hemline Dresses

The ones that are short at the front and long at the back. They are just like you couldn't decided whether you were cold or hot - it's so annoying. And they blow about awkward to. They were everywhere for a while and they just look like a fucking mistake. It's like the dress wasn't finished, like the person making didn't quite have time to cut the back but it needed to be shipped then and there so they were like "It is a new fashion trend!" and everyone was like "omg it's so amazing" but the were all looking at eachother like "wtf?!". Please stop with that.

6) Nipples


7) Leggings

Wearing them as trousers, like I have a few mates that do this but they wear thick ones, not basically tights that give me a perfect view of your fucking ass crack or underwear - keep tomorrows laundry to yourself. Ugh. Especially if you don't have the legs for it - I know you should/could wear what ever you like but I think you should wear what suits your body type, to compliment you. The lads at college used to call one of the girls on our course "kebab legs" - granted it wasn't a nice nickname and wasn't very intelligent but she was a horrible person, I know that makes it no better but she was really not nice and they all knew it was just a joke. Seriously, just wear jeans or even jeggings if you really need it to be that tight. 

8) Frilly socks

You are not 5 anymore. It's just not cute, it's just like pedo-y. You look like you forgot to take them of after roleplay - creepy, not cute, just majorly fucking creepy. Seriously when they are with like stripper heels, I find it so hard not to fucking gag. It's just too much for me. Socks can be so statement with all the awesome and colourful designs, they are like nail wraps for your entire foot.

9) Crop tops

UGH. Abs - look, I have them, a flat stomach - I have it. It's attention seeking and stupid, I hate them. You look like you grew out of it years ago but love it too much to chuck it. I always think that sexy is leaving a little to imagination, not showing as much flesh as possible and still somehow being clothed. Just wear a top that is like a few inches longer. Omg crop tops with high waisted short shorts... wait... I need to throw up. It's like your clothes length is playing opposite day. I just think it's an ugly look. Especially when they are like that matching pattern shit, ugh.

10) Studs and Spikes

Why have you got half a dead porcupine stuck to the front of your shoe? I don't get this fashion at all. I just can't understand why you want a sea urchin halved and stuck to your shoulders. It looks ugly and weird. How do you wash that? Do yo like sterilse the spikes with a cloth and dettol? It's just so strange. I don't own a single item of clothing with this sadistic detailing at all because... it's fucking weird.

Anyways, what fashion makes you gag?




Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Faaaaaaaaaaaacebooooook, bitches.

Sat downstairs at the table and I was like "hey what should I write about?". I wasn't sure so I thought I would write a Facebook-centric blog post. These are always funny to me, I always wonder what on earth you guys think about my day to day ranting and if you think I'm really weird. So yeah here you go.

So the strangest thing happened to me. 

I was washing my hair in the shower as you do and I had my eyes shut and I sneezed like five times. 
I'm pretty sure that the first time I've been awake and sneezed with my eyes shut prior to sneezing. It was entirely unnerving for me.

"Baby squirrel yous a sexy motherfucker"

Wait. What are you on Bruno Mars?

I'm going to eat cheese and Lactose intolerance can go fuck itself.

I want a kitten so bad.

Mend-it Moni here. 

How may I help you?

The cool thing about silence is that it can't be misquoted, however it can be misinterpreted.

I feel like Mr Krabs from the "Shell of a Man" episode.

I need a thug ladder.


I have resorted to eating toast because I'm that bored.

It's funny - three of my best friends don't really have a choice in being my friend, they have to be and soon I get a new best friend.

Waking up after a weird dream and just n o t knowing what to do with yourself.

So my brother is going through the early stages of puberty. 

I remember when he was born and he'd pee on his own face.

Made the crappiest little fairy cakes but I don't even care cuz I got stickers in the box.

So in bed discussing what gains brownie points

Me: If you bring home anything from Patisserie Valerie, you won't be able to get me off of you. Like you'll have to prepare yourself mentally. 
Raj: Mentally? Wow. 
Me: Yup. I will get kinda rapey.
Raj: I like it when you get rapey. 

Omg I need to get my blood pumping and energy levels up. 

I'm like an obese hibernating turtle that was given rohypnol by a sloth atm. Ugh.

So 'Blurred lines' was the best selling single of 2013, a song that notably made Robin Thicke a universal perv and may have ended his marriage... What I don't get is why aren't Pharrell Williams or T.I getting any stick for it? Pharrell produced it and co-wrote the track. And the video wasn't directed by Thicke it was directed by a women - Diane Martel, who may I add also directed Miley Cyrus' 'We Can't Stop'. So why is it only Thicke that got a laying into? Williams looks quite happy about the whole situation, if I'm honest and T.I... well that little dance he did was awkward enough, I kinda wanna believe it's his like strange mating dance.

But he is a bit of a perv though.

Paco is such a funny dog.

So the brain named itself. 

The Body Worlds Exhibitions are sick. Actual human bodies preserved through Plastination then displayed in "artistic poses"- so basically advanced human taxidermy. I can't find anything that justifies the degradation of human life like the exhibitions do. If it was for educational purposes then it should be kept in educational facilities not hauled all around the world for people to pay money so they may visit them. I can't justify the bodies being posed in manners such as during sex or with an 8-month fetus visible within the womb. I can't understand the fetus' that are being held in plastic suspension, the child never lived and now will never find peace. The Plastination method itself is so wrong, in short the fat and water of the specimen is replaced with plastics and preserving chemicals, but if you read how it is done stage by stage you begin to feel sick. The bodies are all donated and consensual but let me ask you how do you gain consent from a fetus that never lived? From the parent? I'm sorry but if as a parent you are fine with the idea if your child being put through that process, then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself. When they donated their bodies did they know they would be, in one case holding what appears to their own skin over their shoulder as if it were a jacket? Or any of the many disrespectful poses that are claimed to be artistic? 
It's sick and twisted.

When your husband gets hot at night so he opens the window and then spends the entire night hogging the duvet. I must really love you, hubby.

Lettice Rosie Rowbotham
I love you so much, you smashed hot mess.

5% battery

Ugh. Must. Get. Charger.

Omg just found the book I have spent 5 years searching for.

Teddy Tales by Sally Grindley

I love people that say you don't have to turn into a whale and become lazy when you're pregnant - no, you are right, you don't have to but then again you didn't have grow up to be a judgmental bitch yet you are :)

Three words, eight letters - say it and I'm yours...
"I got cake".

So I'm walking home and there are two little girls and this lady in front of me. One of the little girls turns to the lady and says "mummy, Alice has an invisible cat", she then really violently stomps one of her feet on the ground and again turns to her mummy, all serious and says "I just killed Alice's invisible cat". 
Is it me or does Alice need to keep the fuck away from that psycho child and mother of Alice's friend needs to get her kid looked at?

I won't lie, I rang my Maa in a mixture of stitches and tears from laughing at the little girl.

Cucumbers are like watermelons skinny boring little girl bitch cousin.

So gherkins and dairylea cheese spread is a thing, obviously... in case you didn't know.

Salted popcorn smothered in maple syrup.

How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
Eeerr three and a half?

Hedgehogs are so round.

So the stomach wants triple chocolate ice cream and a salmon with cream cheese bagel... Also some mixed pickle, mishti and some cheese spread. Maybe a foot-long Subway and Diet coke with ice too. 

However, I will not give into terrorist demands

We do not what we ought,

What we ought not, we do,
And lean upon the thought
That chance will bring us through.

If anyone loves me please send me pistachio Burfi and Jelabi.

They say I talk with so much emphasis,

Oh, they're so sensitive.
Don't ever fix your lips like collagen
Say something were you gone end up apologising.
Let me know if it's a problem man,
Alright man, holla then. - Kanye West

The Boy In Striped Pyjamas
Nope. Last time I watch it, for a week I was having nightmares and I cried every time I remembered it.

You can't make a hoe, a housewife.

- Dr Dre

So when me and my brother were really little I was taking him out of a swing but when I was putting him down his stomach caught my belt as subsequently scratched his stomach. It was only a really thin tiny cut but my brother is like me, he scars incredibly badly. So he still has this scar like years later and I'm like show me so he does and he's like "I feel like Harry Potter on my belly!".

Crunchy nut looks odd when you puke it up.

Wifey time. 

Rajib , I must really love you.

Ugh when did time of nope 'o' clock start exsisting?

When I'm bored I eat or Facebook. For some reason I don't like doing both.

So yesterday Hubby ordered some nuts and kept on saying "get some nuts" and then offered me some after he had done being weird, to which I reply something along the lines of "you're too happy with nuts in your face", he just nods and keeps eating nuts.
So my hubby likes nuts in his face  
I'm not not entirely sure how I feel about this.

So this morning I told my Maa I put a (small) whole orange in my mouth all at once and ate it, she was in no way impressed. 

Why? This is an achievement

I hope you giggled.




Friday, 2 May 2014

10 Things you shouldn't say to a British Asian

So I am a proud Brit, born and raised in the south of England. I lived in Bangladesh for two years of my life as a teenager - it was an amazing experience, one that changed me in many, many ways. I loved in Leeds for a while too as my husband is northern, now I am back in the south where I belong lol. I have an incredibly strong British accent, I have a name that isn't particularly Asian, my thinking is very much British, nearly all of my friends are British. I love the UK and could never see myself living anywhere else, genuinely - my husband asked me if I could live anywhere in the entire world where would it be, he was talking about Miami, Italy, just really wonderful places and I said Exeter and lo' behold here we are!

Don't get me wrong though I am still Bengali and as such I am a British Bengali, the Brit bit comes first and when I am asked what nationality I am I reply British! I have had some of the oddest things said to me in my nearly 21 years of life and I don't know if they are racist or just plain ignorant tbh.

1) "Oh my gosh! You speak like us".

What the fuck do I say to that? Dumbfuck of course I speak like you - WE ARE FROM THE SAME FUCKING PLACE. My English, arguably is better than yours in many cases. Why is it if you are Asian you have to have this Apu-from-the-Simpsons-"thankyoupleasecomeagain" accent? How about no? I was born here, I went to school here, I was raised here, I am from here just like you dumbass. My accent is quite idk how to put this... stuck up? I come from a little village that is known for it's massive part in the horsing industry and everyone is quite well spoken, don't get me wrong my accent has relaxed a lot since I've moved around quite a bit but it still is... the way it is :/

2) "But you have a white name".

Now I totally get that I was young and that the girl that said this was quite obviously lacking a serious amount of brain cells, maybe she was dropped on her head or something but yeah this was a conversation that took place when I was a teen.
Girl: so whats your name again?
Me: Monica
Girl *perplexed look*
Girl: but that's a white name.
Me: uhhh
Girl: you're Indian aren't you?
Me: no actually I just got stuck in a tanning booth.
Girl *even more perplexed look*

For the record I'm not Indian, I have a lot of Indian influence and probably am far more Indian than I am Bengali - which is a confusing concept if you don't know the difference between the two, but I am most definitely not Indian - I am Bengali. 

My name has quite an obscure entomology, but it's thought to originate from what is now Algeria. It has many variant forms in Spanish, European/Brazilian Portuguese and French but it means something along the lines of unique, to advise, alone, nun or solitary - which tbh is a great meaning for me to have. In Greece the actually celebrate my name day on my birthday which is so fucking cool. But yeah as I have mentioned I was born with a horrible name that didn't suit me and as a nickname Shanzida (pronounced Sanjida) just what the fuck? I'm pretty sure my name was probably the name of some floozy from the sordid past of my dna donor and Shanzida as far as I have been told means sadness or to be glum - very apt if you ask me. But at the age of three I refused to answer to any other name than Monica and nearly everyone accepted this - the people that didn't aren't a part of my life anymore. They couldn't accept me for me and weren't really meant to be part of my life, that's that. But yeah that is the reason I have a white chicks name. Get over it.

3) "Yeah but you're not really Muslim are you?"

Wait. Hold up. What does that even mean? Religion is a belief dipshit. So I'm not wearing a headscarf and I don't pray five times a day, during Ramadan I am not allowed to fast as it's detrimental to my health and as such isn't allowed and I don't cover up head to toe. But when was the last time you went to your place of worship or even just took a moment to think about god or ask him for strength?  I have my own way of practicing my belief - it's private and I think it's better that way, I try to be a good person as much as I can. I have seen religious people who are bad people from so many faiths and I just think you're judged after death by your actions and for that I am more than happy to take my comeuppance for the wrong I have done, I'm not scared of Death or what comes after because I think it's on my own back - it's my own fault what happens to me and I fully deserve it. So who are you to tell me what I am and what I am not? I identify as this faith and I don't question you on yours. I do my own thing so you do yours.

4) "I just always thought you drank"

What because I go out? I am and have been around more alcohol than most kids my age - nearly all of my family and family friends have restaurants and I spent a shit load of time running around them during and after hours and they all have bars, I knew the basic setup of a regular bar in Asian restaurants by the time I was about 14, forgotten that shit now, but I knew it. I don't drink- yes, it is part of my religion not to drink or consume anything that alters my mind but tbh I know people that pray 5 times a day and after Friday prayer go out on the lash with mates so yeah it's more out of genuine choice that I don't drink - I don't need social lube (hahahaaaa lube... ahem sorry). Loads of people don't drink - not because of faith but for personal reasons, health issues or even just because they don't like it. So why is it so surprise that I don't? I have a better time sober and do crazier shit than you when you're smashed as fuck.

5) "Yeah but you're not like them"

Yes I am. I eat rice and curry once a day, I eat halal food, I like mango pickle, I speak a different language to you and understand many regional dialects/variants of Bengali, Hindi and Urdu. I listen to lots of music that isn't English spoken and watch many movies that aren't in english too. If you open my fridge you will find vegetables that aren't familiar, fish that is unknown to you, I can't eat at certain places or things because of what they sell/contain, I dress normally according to you but tbh I make sure my shoulders are covered, my chest is covered and my legs when I'm outside, because it is frowned upon in my culture but also because I am married and I don't want anyone but my husband to see my skin and because I have body image problems, even if I wasn't Bengali or Muslim I would still keep that much covered up, I can't wear shorts I have to many scars, I'm not comfortable with my legs, I don't like my stomach as I have problems with lanugo, my arms feels to long and lanky, my shoulders are to big and I just don't like my body and therefore why would I want to show my body - lots of people don't wear short tight clothes because they just don't - it doesn't suit them , it's not their thing, there are lots of reasons - Mine are that I'm hairy, lanky, damaged fucking weirdo, oh and it will get me called a whore.  And who are you refering to when you say "them"? Other Asians? Don't get me wrong I don't have many Asian friends but that because I haven't really had a chance to make many - in the two primary school I went to, the first of which had no Asians (it was a catholic school) and then the second there where three Asians in my class including me, secondary school there were more but I wasn't Asian enough for them and they saw me as a bad influence so that was that, college the same I was the only Asian on my course; plus I've always lived in places with low ethnic populations. However if you leave me with the people you are referring to as "them" I guarantee we will get on - there are jokes that don't translate well that we can share, foods and hobbies that we share a love for, pains growing up that we have both been though.

6) "Oh, your voice and the way you look don't quite together"

This has only happened a few times to me but it's more the split second shock that registers, when someone speaks to me on the phone, they know I'm called Monica and I have (for lack of better phrasing) a very white accent, then they meet me and I have dark skin, very big dark eyes, long black hair - I am basically the complete antithesis of what they thought I would be like. It's funny. And I don't shake hands and for some reason they are like "is that a cultural thing?", I'm like "no, I have OCD, it's an OCD thing - touching people I don't know freaks me out and gives me hives" (note: sometimes I am even allergic to my own self so don't take offence, it's not because I think you are not clean - I don't know you, you may be even cleaner than me; it's just I have space issues) and they are like "oh". It's just like dude I don't want to touch you because I don't know you - it's too personal for me to shake hands, my hand is touching your hand, it's just ugh, ah! ewwww. Okay I need to take an antihistamine now, my hands are itching just thinking about it. But yeah it's funny it usually takes a second for them to correct themselves, you can see their heads like "but, but, but... her names Monica... and she sounds...huh?". Lol.

7) Racist comments and thinking I'm cool with it.

Dude unless we know each other, like really know each other and I know you're just messing or I'm saying it as a joke - don't fucking think racism is okay. To quote Kevin Hart "I'ma chop you in your goddamn neck, bitch". I don't give a fuck who you are saying it about, don't think I'm cool with your fucked up view of the world. I call my husband a "paki" all the time and put on a funny accent and say things to take the piss but I'm messing. I remember one time a girl at my college put a status up saying she was on the train and that there were a bunch of "smelly Muslims" that had also boarded too. I saw this and walked into class with a smile on and in front of the entire class, said something along the lines "yeah Summer those smelly Muslims, why can't they just bathe?!" - she wasn't sure what to say, neither was the rest of the class. I'm going to say it if Indians smell like curry, white people smell like pubs, black people smell like coco butter, Chinese people smell like Chinese food and students just smell. You CANNOT say an entire fucking nationality smell like one thing - right now I smell like toast, Chloe by Chloe, faintly of BO because I've had a bit of a fever and I sweat like a motherfucker lol. But my husband never smells - it doesn't matter what he does or how much he has sweated he never smells, his clothes don't even smell. Please stop saying these stupid things, it's not fair. 

8) "So where are you from?" followed by "no like originally?"

I always answer with "Lambourn, (which is where I am from)" and I get this *where-the-fuck-is-that* look, so I say "it's a small village near Newbury...", still getting that look. "Umm Swindon-ish...", still they look confused, I may as well be telling them about a place in Bangladesh; so then I end with "okay it's like less that hour away from Reading" and I get "Oh! I know Reading". Good for you, you want a fucking medal? Then they are like "no, you know, like originally?" and I'm like "Oh! Sorry, I was born in Truro". What do you want me to say? My Maa's ovaries? Why the fuck do you need to know my ethnic origin bitch? Are you my doctor? Or some sort of admin staff that you need this info? No, so back the fuck up. I don't care where you are from so why do you care where I come from? Does this in anyway change your perception of me? I love the ones that assume I'm Indian - not all brown skinned people are Indians, you uneducated, close minded, uncultured, disrespectful little twat. Like not all people with almond shaped eyes are Chinese, not all European people are Polish and not all United Arab Emirates people are from Dubai. Get a fucking map please and fucking learn something, dickwad.

9) "Oh I know a girl from there called *insert Asian name*, do you know her?"

No. I don't, I probably know a person with that same name like you probably know at least two people with the same name,  had three girls in one of my classes all called Victoria, spelt in three different ways - Vicky, Vikki, Vicki. We don't all know each other, we might even share a second name but do you know everyone with the same second name as you? Cuz that is a fuck load of people to know. I barely know anyone tbh, I have like 30 Facebook friends because that is genuinely how many people call friends. Don't assume we all know each other, please. It's really stupid.

10) "Back home"

Dude, I am home. It's funny if you think going on holiday to Bangladesh is me going back home what planet do you live on? Neanderthals are thought to have started near Gibraltar - do you feel at home when you go there on holiday? Stfu. Bangladesh is my mother land not my home. My blood and bones don't feel right when they are not in the south of England - I am a full on British, country-side, village girl - I love seeing bales of hay in fields, I love see bright yellow rapeseed growing on hills, I love hearing horses trot by in the early morning, tractors are normal to me, country lanes and tiny b-roads don't scare me, I'm used to seeing rabbits hopping about, pheasants trying to kill themselves by jumping out into the road when cars are coming and I am used to a slow pace of life. Home is where you can feel at peace and for me that is the UK. So don't thrust your definition of home onto me please.

So yeah that was actually much more fun to write that I was expecting, I called my Maa and made her laugh a few times with it. Although she did say to probably not bring this up or anything up when I go out with my hubby's friends. OMG I'm not sure how I am going to do a few hours of being normal and nothing weird or offensive coming out of my mouth.

Wish me luck.