Monday, 20 June 2016

Happy Fathers Day, Man.

Every year around this time I get a little fragile. Little things chip away at my heart - things that I normally brush off, pay no mind to but because it's nearly my birthday it hurts just a little more. Sometimes Father's Day actually falls on my birthday. I can recall crying in the shower on some birthdays because I'm celebrating the day I was born on the same day as I ought to be appreciating the man who abandoned me. All my friends leaving early in the morning so they could spend the day with their dads...

So I have daddy issues. I'll say it. I've mentioned it a few times in my blog. I have terrible scarring daddy issues, so bad in fact that I'm now 23 and I still cry, I still get that ache in heart, I still look at other girls and get jealous. I'm married and a mum, I am a grown woman but I still wish I had a dad. In the media we see daddy issue as something funny, something that girls can blame their "sluttiness" on. You'll hear to show characters say things like "I like my girls with low self esteem and daddy issues" but I'm calling bullshit. I'm mean it is obviously fucking hilarious to mock someone for having an absent parent or in some cases a very present yet abusive parent. It's just so funny to think that a child's emotional growth would have been stunted and scarred by a parent - one of the people on this planet who are meant to be self-sacrificing and protective of you. Omg, I'm aching from the laughter. It's just so fucking funny. I can totally see why people give it them same level of courtesy as they do star signs. 

No, fuck off. Having daddy issues isn't a cop out reasons for poor choices, it's not the same and saying "I'm a Gemini so I'm totes indecisive". It's not. Fight me. 

For every kid that had their heart ripped out and shredded by the one man in their life who was meant to protect others from doing exactly that I would like to pass on a verbal throat punch because honestly, it's agony sometimes. That heart shattering ache in your chest is so painful. I would happily throat punch every parent that has let their child down so much it has been detrimental to their emotional stability. 

You know what is funny though? I can bet my life on the fact the old man has no clue what it is that he did. I would happily bet my life on it. If you were to sit him down and ask him what happened he would have so many gripes with people, he would tell you how people turned me against him, poisoned my mind. He could give you story, after story about how much he missed me or how much it affected him that he didn't get to see me. He would probably tell you how hard he worked to make sure he could visit me and make sure that he had the cash to take me out. He would tell you how happy he was to see me when it was time to pick me up and how hard it was to give me back. I'm sure he would describe the guilt he felt every birthday or when how when he found out o was getting married how he wished he could give me away. He would tell you how he is so hurt that he's never met his only grandchild. He would tell you that all he ever wanted to do was love me and be a good dad, that he knows he isn't the best but he tried his best. 

But you know what's wrong with all of that? It's all about him. It always has been. Do you know what? He has no one but himself to blame. Honestly, lots of people may have an issue with the sod but I don't give a fuck about them, his actions towards me are what made me cut him out. 

From the moment he walked out on me. He wasn't just divorcing my mum... He was abandoning me. The day he left was the day he gave up the ability to protect me. 

And for that I suffered.

I thought I deserved nothing more than to be walked out on, that everyone would because he did. If someone who was meant to be by my side could do that to me why would anyone else bother being different. If before I was even born, before I had even come into the word I was unwanted, why would any one ever want me? I thought I deserve to be abused and hurt by the men I came into contact with because I had been treated with undeserved indifference from my conception. I was an inconvenience then and I always would be. I wasn't allowed to have a say because my voice didn't matter. The guilt trips, the fear, the mind games. I thought it was all I was worth. A father is meant to be a girls first love, if you can't trust the first man in your life you'll never trust another. When I was left a door was opened and it meant I was allowed to be damaged time and time again until the little that was left was only made of hate and hurt. People used my insecurities to control me, hurt me and then make me think it's okay because that's all I'm good for. 

The first time I stood up and made a choice it was big. I was about nine or ten and was so tired of being ill. I was fed up of my skin always playing up because my routine wasn't taken seriously when I was away. I was fed up with being behind at school. I was done with being a no where child. I was done with having no roots anywhere, no friends, hobbies. I was finished with being pass the parcel. I was done. For a normally shy, quite meek child I suddenly had a lot to say. 

I didn't want to go this time, I didn't want to be covered in sick and blood like I had been so many times before. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take feeling so weak after the journey from the nosebleeds and motion sickness. I just couldn't. I had been doing since I was three, I couldn't do it anymore. So when he was belting me into the car I said, very calmly , "I will scream if you take me". 

The response I'm pretty sure was "What will those ladies think?" in reference to passersby. I didn't care. Why should I?

I remember running, I don't recall getting out of the car but I remember running back to school,  to the reception greeted by my headmaster and the school receptionist. I remember both their names and faces but my head master, he told me I didn't have to go anywhere if I didn't to. He put that power back into my little hands. He told me that what I wanted was the most important thing in this situation and nothing else. Not my parents, not the courts, not the CAFCAS officers. Me. He gave me chocolate, let me cry and made me feel safe. If I remember rightly he didn't even let my father in the school, he spoke to him outside. I think it was to make sure I felt safe and not pressured to go, I'm not sure. But what his main goal was on that situation was to make sure I was heard. I spoke to my old headmaster today and it was honestly one of the most lovely phone conversations I have ever had. I will never be able to thank him enough. He will never understand the difference he made. 

I wanted to be me and he helped to to chose that path. That concept has been something that I haven't been willing to debate or give up for a long time now. I am unapologetically me. Like it or not I don't care. 

I was three when I decided I wanted to be called "Monica" my dad never accepted it, even after I grew up we met once, he still tried to call me by the name he gave me. He could see the hurt and anguish on my face and in my voice when it came out of his mouth. His utter refusal reinforced my decision, even after all those years he hadn't changed but I had. I screamed my piece and it hurt him. I wasn't about to be daddy's little girl and run into his arms. I didn't need him now. I didn't need anymore pain. 

I could never put my child through such pain. 

But I guess that's the point, isn't it...? For me to be the parent I am, I had to have the parents I did. 

I am a ferociously protective parent. I am self-sacrificing. But the thing I am most proud of is the fact I give my child choice. I had made it my mission to understand him and his whole little life.  I am firm and loving. I am patient and understanding of his needs. Because of the failings in my childhood I am desperate to make sure I never inflict them onto my son. It's why I demand the most from my husband when it comes to parenting our child. We may have off days as people or a couple but we never allow our son to have anything but loving parents. My son is the luckiest person I know. His sole purpose in life is to be loved and be happy. 

I'm so happy I met my husband. He found me and took the time to make me believe that I'm allowed to be loved, that he won't leave, that I'm worth more than being hurt. He never stops showing me how loved I am, he takes every chance he gets to make me laugh and smile. My husband is one of the most amazing men I've ever met. His devotion to protecting me, making me happy is so intense. He has taken on and fought so much just to be by my side. At times he has even fought me, my anxiety, my fears. He has never given up on me. 

To be honest, my father is lucky my husband came along. My husband made me know what unconditional love is, he made me work hard to love myself, to know myself, he made me challenge what I was. He rebuilt me bit by bit. All the pain and harm that my father failed to protect me from due to his absence my husband slowly wiped away. 

He changed every cruel word to words of love and happiness. He gave me laughter, where I knew tears. He found my worth and gave it back to me. He replaced every slap, punch and kick I had endured with kisses and hugs. He gave me my son and made sure I was never alone. If anyone ever wanted to know why I dote on my husband so much just read that, how can you not want to love and care for someone who saved you from yourself and the sadness you carried in your heart.

My mum always tells me it wasn't my dads fault bad stuff happened to me but she doesn't see it from where I'm stood. How could she? She always tell me to let go and not blame him. But she doesn't understand that he was just the start. His actions caused a ripple effect and my life was what felt it. He was the cause, I was the result. 

I should really thank him now I think about it.... I mean because of his poor decisions and mistakes I ended up with the life I did and by extension the person I am. 

So... I guess- thanks, man. Thanks for being such a godawful parent to me because it showed me how not to parent my own child. Thanks for letting me down and abandoning me because it meant my husband had to be someone fucking special and stubborn to prove himself to me. Thanks for not accepting me because it meant I fought for my right to be me and value the traits I have. Thanks, man and I guess, Happy Father's Day - I hope one of your kids did something nice because it sure as shit wasn't me... But I forgive you. I'm sure you're not a bad person, you're probably just an idiotic and selfish one, however that's not the kind of people I need around me or my family. I forgive you not because you deserve it or I want you as a part of my life but because I need to. For me to move on with my life I need to forgive you. I can't keep expending energy blaming you and hurting.  So you're off the hook, dude. I doubt you'll ever see this but if you do, I'm not sorry I wrote this and frankly, I don't give a fuck if it hurts you because I needed to write this. I needed to get all of this out of my head, a real parent would understand.

 I'll give you something though, a kind-of gift. This is my gift to you:

 I didn't take this specifically for this blog. I actually just took it because I wanted a new profile picture for my Facebook page. This is me sitting on my sofa, after a great nights sleep snuggled up to my loving husband; following a week of undivided attention and spoiling because of my birthday. This is me now. I'm a happy, grown woman with her whole life filled with care and warmth. I love rainy days, writing and Adventire Time. I spend my days cooking, playing and cleaning. I still hate Sharon fruit, I still love J20 and I'm a better person without you. I give you this because if it were me and my child was estranged from me, I would
want to know that they were happy, my child could hate my guts or wish me dead but as long as they were happy I wouldn't care. So if you ever see this or it comes to a day where you're old and on your own and thinking about me don't wish it were different. Just be happy that I turned out fine, don't worry about me because I'm happy. You and me, we're square. You got no ill wishing from me, man. 

Guys, I know this is really personal but I'm going to put this out there because I'm not ashamed of what wasn't my fault, what was and who I am. The best thing you can do is work through that shit. 

The first time I wrote this blog it was 4000 words long and full of venom but I accidentally deleted in a way that I couldn't get it back and I kind of think that it was God way of saying "are you really sure that's what you want to put out into the world?". The past few months I've been having terrible panic and anxiety attacks, I've been edgy and tearful but right now in this moment my heart feels like a little pebble. All smooth and round. I haven't felt like that in a while. 

I'm watching my little guy eat his lunch and play with his turtle sippy cup, my best friend will be home soon and I'm going to go to bed tonight, a lighter version of me. 

If any of you are feeling what I felt, I'm sorry. But I can tell you one day it stops hurting, you just have to keep working on you. Fill all the little gaps in your heart that hurt with things and people you love and I promise it will get better eventually. You don't need them. You got your back and so do those who love you. 

You can do it. 

With every bit of love in my heart, to every kid that was hurt by a parent, as always, 


Friday, 17 June 2016

I am a hairless dolphin

don't know about you but puberty fucking sucked for me, it didn't hit me like a truck as it did for many of my friends who were basically teenage sirens by the age of 16, all boobs and butt, in control of their bodies and growing into their womanhood, I was a scrawny, boobless, spotty mess of hormones.  But the worst bit for me - worse than the onset of periods and the beginning of uneven boobs - was the hair. I couldn't stand it. I hated it so much. I didn't feel grown up or womanly, I felt gross. It just fucking showed up and I had to be okay with it because it was "part of growing up". After I noticed it and panicked at the concept I will get more I eventually tearfully, mentioned it to my mum. She basically told me it was normal, handed me a large pump of Immacc and told me to use it if I wanted to get rid of it. So the next time I showered I read the instructions and got on with it. We didn't really talk about it again, that was pretty much it. I mean it did the job but I was left wondering why all the girls at my school were getting waxed or shaved but when I asked I was told it's too harsh. Once I got married I explored various removal methods and found my favourite and stuck to it but ever since I was thirteen I have never really understood women's utter hatred for hair removal. 

I have heard all the reasons and read all the "10 reasons you shouldn't be shaving" but I just don't get it. I mean you do you and all I just don't really agree with it, for myself or like it. The way people feel about getting rid of it, is almost the way I feel about keeping it. 

I have never found it to be time consuming or annoying. After a few months of sticking to a regimental routine my skin got used to it, I didn't find that irritation was an issue as long as I did it properly. 

Now, I have used or tried almost all types of removal methods through the years, trail and error is my friend. Like I said before I used Veet when it was still called Immac as a young teen, I would bleach my 'tache  (it was apparently quite visible) and I would have my brows threaded but over time I have had to change my method because I found that they weren't working for me anymore or that my skin was reacting badly to it. For instance threading has always made me break out and after I had my son Nair started burning me and not really removing much so I started waxing but that wasn't really working either because my hair is so thin and barely existent. I switched to shaving and I'm really happy with what it gives me. And I pluck my brows myself, I hate my face being touched and I've never had anyone do it the way I like but I love my brows when I do them. Until I found my routine I had a few issues but that's the same with anything, once I had it down I didn't have any problems. 

But I mean there are so many reasons not to shave and embrace the fuzz so let's go through them. Here is my counter post to "Reasons you shouldn't shave", let's call it "oh look I'm a hairless dolphin" (actually I think I'll call the post that): 

1) You could save 72 days worth of time in your lifetime if you stop and do other things. 

If I'm honest I waste that time chilling on the floor staring at the ceiling. You're right I could learn a language but I already know two so I'm kinda good. I'd rather spend that time shaving than complaining about the fact I haven't shaved. Which is something I do if it's been a couple of days. I waste enough time being in the way, or waiting for stuff to load/switch on what's another 72 days?

2) It's boring and annoying. 

I mean there are lots of things that are boring that I have to do like turning clothes inside out when doing the laundry and actually opening the baby gate instead of just stepping over it, at least when I'm shaving I get a cool thing out of a boring task and anyway when I'm in the shower it's not like it's a fucking carnival. It's just an hour of aggressive exfoliation, extensive hair washing/conditioning, stunning vocal performances and the slow gradual increase of water temperature from nice and warm to I'm burning my fingernails and eyelids off. Showering/bathing is not the most exciting of tasks in general but I quite enjoy the feeling of being a clean human being instead of Grimer's creepy sister so why not throw in some shaving? 

3) It is going to grow back

Okay if we apply that to everything we would all be living in disgusting conditions. In my home we have three different kinds of skin conditions so things like towels, bedsheets and clothes always need washing- do you realise how badly our conditions would get if I didn't change/wash it all so often? I have a son who is going through his "feeding the floor" phase so my carpet always needs cleaning - I vacuum at least three times a day. 
If we avoided doing things because we would just have to do it again, then we would live in a shitty unprogressive world. It is going to grow back but so are my eyebrow hairs and my nails that's doesn't mean I'ma stop plucking and cutting them. 

4) It is there for a reason - it protects you from bacteria.

I mean, is it really? I'm sure it's not really helping me that much. I do enough to protect myself from bacteria, wash my hands regularly, use sanitiser, change my clothes, wash, do I really need it? Because I feel like I don't. If it was a time where clothes and washing weren't really the norm I would totally understand keeping the fuzz but it's not. I have many things already protecting me, I think I can do without the hairy firewall for bacteria. 

5) Removing it leaves cuts that make you more susceptible to infections and STDs

I'm in a monogamous, long term, safe sex practicing relationship. If I catch something the chances are I'll have bigger things to worry about that some antibiotics and itchiness, some matey is about to get cut because the only way I could catch something would be if my Dearly Beloved Mr Husband Man was playing away in some other girls field, in which case I'm pissed off and ready to get messy. While I'm picking up cable ties, cling film, waterproof mascara (gotta look good), matches and lighter fluid, I'm sure I can pick up a prescription. Remember peeps, keep it wrapped/dammed no matter what you're doing or who with. Nothing is better that consensual, safe sex! Also, don't cheat. It's a dick move. 

6) It's itchy and uncomfortable  

If your skin is suffering and you gotz the itchzzz the chances are you're not working with your body well enough. Ya gotta find what works for you - depilatory creams by several companies also come in different strengths, razors have differing number of blades and conditioning strip formulations and here are hundreds of different electric shavers - it could have ages to find what works for you but then you need to get prep and aftercare right too. There are so many creams, gels, oils and washes to try! Once you get it right, you'll be fine. Personally, when prepping I make sure I shave when I shower, after soaking for a while, no dry shaving ever. I use a razor that has two blades and a conditioning strip, making sure  that's only been used a few times (3-4 uses tops) with Dove Caring Cream Bath as a shaving cream, exfoliate with a mitt and pumice stone before shaving and salt/sugar scrub after shaving. Then for aftercare I use a body butter from Superdrug as a moisturiser and Almond oil as a soothing shaving balm for anywhere that needs extra attention. It might sound like a lot but it's really not that hard or annoying to me. 

7) It's expensive

Lots of things are expensive - the vast amounts of takeaways my husband and I consume, makeup, the baked goods I eat all my myself. I buy a pack of razors every month because I change blades every couple of shave otherwise I get cuts and a not-so-close shave but it's still so much cheaper than other things like getting your eyebrows done, paying for grocery delivery on peak days and other dumb shit that really ought not to be so costly. At least I get something I like out of razors and anyways who says you have to but women's blades? Because it's pink? If you want blades and don't give a fuck, buy mens blades. Who gives a fuck. I only use Wilkinson Sword 2 because it works best for me, if another blade worked better I would get it. 

8) It contains pheromones

Sorry, but so does mens sweat. If I want the Mr Husband Man to get creepy I'm just gunna throw myself at him, I don't feel the need to thrust at him in the hope that my pheromones will waft over to him and seduce him. I mean if he is close enough to smell me/the hair on my body I'm assuming he's pretty close so we're basically already at like second base, there isn't much that's gunna stop that train arriving. He knows if we make out, we are doing the do. 

9) Real women have body hair, getting rid of it infantilises you and feeds the Patriarchal raunch/pedophile culture. 

Anyone calling themselves a real women because of anything other than the fact they are/identify as a women can fuck off. I'm not infantilising my body, if you're looking at a kid and thinking "yeah you're not sexy because you have no body hair" - you need help. Children are not sexual because they are children, they are not meant to be. What does anyone's body hair have anything to do with anyone other that themselves and whomever they would like to show their body hair/lack of body hair to? You guys are putting too much thought into some really trivial shit.  Fo' reaalzzzz. 

Okay so even though I don't get it, you get on with your bad self. Whether you braid it, grow it 70s style or have patterns in it, your body hair is yours so do what you want to with it, don't let anyone tell you what you ought to be doing with it and most of all - if someone doesn't like the way your keep your body hair and makes you feel bad about it, please don't let them touch a single inch of your body. You are you and you don't have to cater your body to anyone. If you like fuzzy, warm body hair like an adorable penguin - you keep it. If you like feeling like those hairless cats then you do that too. If you want glittery purple body hair, you dye your armpit hair like the purple minion and vajazzle that shit up so hardcore you look like you have Times Square in your pants. Your body is a yours and you decided how you decorate/groom it. Never let anyone tell you any otherwise. If they try to, throw a wet sock and a stale cookie at them. 

I must admit though I would love a moustache, I mean....

Anyways, I have Game Of Thrones, The Flash, Marvel's Agents of Shield and The 100 on catch up so I must dash! 

What's your favourite hair removal product? Or are you an Au Natural kinda person?



Tuesday, 14 June 2016

I stand with every single Emily Doe

The victim blaming in society is bad enough, it doesn't really matter which country, every single one has  a problem with it. The real problem here is the legal systems we have in place. They are fucking infuriating. The legal representations tear apart a person almost as bad as the person they are defending did. However, ironically I don't blame them, they get payed to represent the sick bastards, everyone has to make money, albeit it is a disgusting way but they still have bills to pay, families to feed and souls to sell. And with such an awful, cancerous, loophole ridden system it's no wonder that so many offenders get away with their crimes. My issue is with the Brock Tuners of this world, the individuals committing these crimes, you know you are guilty when you run to daddy and start paying for expensive lawyers. Just because you are a rich kid doesn't mean that the law doesn't apply to you, you rancid, cretinous, vile pointless little parasite. 

Brock Turner you don't deserve the leniency you're being shown. You aren't the Stanford Swimmer, you are a sex offender. Your hobby and education are not who you are, your actions dictate who you are. And your actions show us that you are a sex offender. You preyed on a vulnerable unconscious individual because you thought you would get away with it. You are sick in the head and your dad is just as sick as you are. 

I would like to speak to your father, as one parent to another parent but it genuinely makes me feel ill that you can call yourself a parent. 
As a father how can you excuse your son for doing what he did to another human being. 
Mr Turner, you do realise your son intimately assaulted an unconscious person? Your child, made another persons child - a victim. He hurt someone else's child. There are many things that your son is - a now registered sex offender, an awful person with terrible morals and a lack of decency but a victim is not one of them. If anyone in my family male or female were to commit such an offence it would suffice to say that I would want them punished, no one has the right to intrude someones body. Do you have no humanity? Do you not have a wife? Sisters? Mother? If someone were to happen upon their unconscious form would you be okay with the perpetrator dragging them into a dark place, behind dumpsters and intimately assaulting them? Would it not anger you if someone were to invade their bodies? Would you blame them or the person that hurt them? Wouldn't you want justice, if not retribution? I would. I would want the person who hurt my family to be slaughtered in a horrific fashion; however, I understand that as a civilisation we have moved on from barbaric punishments and as such I would settle for a very long stay in jail. If it were your daughter crying in your arms after a stranger had sexually assaulted her, how would you feel? How would you feel hearing what they had done to her? Would it not make your heart ache to see her in pain, emotionally broken, physically harmed, internally scathed? 

Parent to parent, if it were my child the sheer disgust I would feel would pain me to look at them, but I wouldn't stop loving them; that's not something we parents are allowed to do, there is an unwritten clause of unconditional love that we sign up to when we bring a human into the world but that also comes with wanting what's best for them, making sure they get what they need to become a good person. In this case a jail sentence is what's best, your kid needs to be taught a lesson that you clearly didn't provide. If you had taught him the easy way, with love and nurturing, he wouldn't have to be taught by the justice system and those in it. He needs to be taught that you are not allowed to touch a person unless they say you are allowed. Did you not have the safety talks that we as parents are meant to have? When my son can speak properly and I know he will be spending time with people other than me and my husband, we will sit him down and discuss him that no body is allowed to touch him in anyway unless he is okay with it, he is always allowed to say "no", even if you don't want someone to hug you, you just have to tell them. His body belongs to him and he has control over what happens to it. But nobody is allowed to touch or ask to see his pants area, privates are privates, although doctors, nurses and me or his dad may have to but we will always explain and ask if it's okay first. I'll explain that if anyone does do that he is to say very clearly "no" and  try to get away and if that's not possible because he is scared or he is trapped then he is to tell me or someone he trusts as soon as he can, that I will always believe him and that it is never his fault, that no matter what anyone tells him I will always love him. I will explain the difference between "good" secrets and "bad" ones, that you should always talk to me, you dad or someone else that he trusts about secrets, things or people that make you sad or frightened because we can help, I will tell him that no one can hurt him or his family if he is to tell us a secret. Along side that I will explain he isn't allowed to touch a person without their consent either and that he is to never touch a person in their pants area either because that's private and just like he has the right to say "no" so do they. I'll teach him to respect people and their boundaries. I would have this conversation again when he turned into a teenager, with more mature language and depth. Mr Turner, it is our duty to protect our children from the world but it is also our responsibility to teach our kids right from wrong to protect the world from them.  Mr Turner, if my child was to do something so abhorrent I would feel like a failure as a parent and person. The guilt and shame I would carry would be so heavy. I would blame myself for not teaching him that you're not allowed to rape a person because it's wrong. Usually, I am quite aversive to blaming parents for their child's crimes however, in your case I can clearly see that you have some blame to carry, your actions following your sons arrest and adamancy that your son is a victim of drinking culture and the frat life shows me that you are a man who is not willing to accept culpability when wrong and I can understand where your offspring has picked this up from, in my eyes that makes a very small person, certainly not man. You failed as a parent, which is bad enough but now you are failing as a human being too. I feel sorry for the women in your life. I pity your lack of basic humanity. Honestly, I'm just sad that you can call yourself a father. 

Now on to Brock. Brock you're only a few years younger than me but I'm going to speak to you like I would a child because that is the way you are being portrayed in the media- a helpless, baby-faced young boy who made the mistake of drinking too much. Brock, it's really not hard to refrain from sexually assaulting people. You do realise how many men, no matter how drunk don't assault or rape women? It's pretty simple, Brock yes, means yes. No, means no. Silence, means no. Unconscious, means no. Unresponsive, means no. Consent is given, not assumed. Consent can be give in many ways, enthusiasm, reciprocation, verbally. An unconscious persuon can not show enthusiasm, they cannot reciprocate kissing or touching and they most definitely cannot verbally consent to you entering their body with a part of yours. Now I'm going to address you like the adult you are because if you're old enough to consume alcohol and make the decision to have sex then as far as I'm concerned you are more than old enough to take responsibility for your actions to be honest Brock, no right minded person would want to touch a vile excuse of a human being like you. I hope you never have a child, let alone a daughter because you do not deserve to be entrusted with a life. I wish I could ask every person of this planet to never show any sexual interest in you but apparently you don't need someone to give consent or express interest in you for you to decide that they want it. You are not a victim, you are the damager. You are the person that cause your life and Emily Doe's to collide, you instigated this whole sad, sordid and painful ordeal. Stop cowering behind your daddy and his money, admit what you did wrong, own the fuck up to your crimes, apologise. Stop being a coward. Stop playing the victim. You've already done the damage, there is no turning back time and undoing what you did to her that night. You can't take away what you did to her and the pain it caused. You can un-rape her. But you can start to atone, try to give her closure. You started this, Brock. It's your fault. You have to admit culpability and blame. You turned two lives and many other connected lives upside down because you made the decision to think you mattered more than her. If you want to get past this and not be just a sex offender you have to take blame and start to accept what you did so you can move past it. It will always be with you, like it will be for her, but you can both start to build you separate lives again. 

To Emily Doe, every single one. 

I wish I could hug you, tell you I'm sorry that there are people like that in the world. I wish I could cry with you and tell you that what happened is unfair and I will always stand with you in spirt. I would love to be able to promise you that I will do my best to raise my boy right and that I will try to encourage other to do the same. I hope one day you get to see a world where no one ever puts a hand on a person without consent, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or mental state. I wish I could help you through your pain, hold your hand through each stage of recovery. I wish I could be a part of your direct support system but all I can do is be a voice in the millions of voices who also stand by you. You are not what was done to you, you are a person. You are not just a victim, you are a survivor. Whatever they stole from you and however they did it, you are not to blame. Anyone blaming you, making you feel like any less of a person, ostracising you is in the wrong. You being harmed is the result of someone else's callous actions. Please stay strong. Please keep looking to the future and better times. Please remember that there are people who love you.

To the two Swedish students that saved her - Carl-Fredrik Arndt and Peter Jonsson, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being brave and standing up, making a difference. You saved her from what could have been, you stopped it before it got worse. You restrained Brock which couldn't have been easy, emotionally it must have been so distressing. Thank you for being what Brock should have been. Please hug your parents from me and thank them too for raising you boys right. Never stop being that person, keep making differences in the world. 

I have always known that I wanted to be standing with the people who believe in equality, acceptance and protecting our planet but I've never known how, I'm almost 23, I have no great ideas to help clean up the seas, no qualifications, no way of really making a difference but I can help nurture a person who may go on to make a small difference to those around him. If each of us decide to teach our children how to be good, accepting, caring people with morals and decency, a thirst and respect for knowledge, a healthy interest in making the world a better place in any way; then we can help them build a much better future for themselves because we and the generations before us have sure done a good job of fucking it all up. We have to be that balancing generation, it's going to be a hard long journey but if we try maybe one day we won't be ashamed of what we have become as a race. People like Donald Trump and terrorists won't have a voice or place in that time. 

I'm sorry that I'm babbling but sometimes I watch my baby boy sleep and I have to choke back tears because there are so many dangers in the world and I've decided to bring him into this. Sometimes, I think how could I be so selfish? This world can be a dark and harsh place and the thought that he could end up being a victim of that terrifies me. He could end up a plaything to the sick, greedy, immoral people in society. I want to protect him and every child on the earth. But I can't, all I can do is try to make sure I get it right with him and encourage others to do the same. 

Please go to your loved ones and hold them tight. Tell them you love them and try your hardest every single day to be the best you can, spread a little positivity and laughter. Just be a good person, that's all we can really do. 

With all of my love,


Friday, 27 May 2016

Halp! My Uterus is trying to murder me!

Shark week, Auntie Flo, lady problems, little sister, Sophia, whatever you want to call your menstrual cycle, and there are many names/euphemisms - your menstrual cycle is a wonderful (read: fucking annoying) reminder that you are a woman. Personally, I call it "Bitch Syndrome" or "Aunty Flo" because I am devil spawn in the week of and leading up to my period, I will politely warn my husband that I am going to be syndromey and he knows to leave me be, brace for all the emotions and maybe bring home GÜ ganache pots, those are the best things ever. I love using the little pots for setting out pills and storing cinnamon sugar.

If I have had a really stressful month I can guarantee I am going to have an awful period. It will start in maybe the third week of the month and it comes in phases.
Let my break it down for ya:

The first phase - Fuck Off
I will feel a little more anxious and annoyed, I am always upset and my temper is easily stirred. I clean and organise lots. I don't like food and I find it hard to sleep.

The second phase - #TotesEmosh
I am a teary, clingy, jumpy mess. I am way more likely to have panic attacks and be found crying about something dumb. I want all the food and I wake up really early in a really good mood, which usually ends around 8am. I will clean and re-clean everything, I bake and cook loads.

The third phase - Numb
I am really void of emotion and motivation. I just want it to be over. I don't get hungry.  I don't want to do anything. I avoid people a lot.

Each of these phases lasts a couple of days or depending on the month it can be just the one. This month I seem to be flitting between phases two and three.

I have a few things that I do to help myself and make this shitty time better and I'd like to share them with you. I'ma be your fairy boss mumma and help you solider through dis shizzzzz, (Interesting fact: tampons were used to plug up bullet wounds, especially during WW1) so let's get to it:

1. Tracking
I track my cycle as diligently as my brain will let me. I use the Clue App, it was mentioned in a Laci Green video and honestly it's the best I have used, since I've had an iPhone I've gone through a few and I've either hated using it or the icon but the Clue App has a pretty cool icon and navigation of the app is simple. The app allows you to pick and choose what you track things like your period (obviously) but also, body stats - fluid, temperature, hair and skin, vitality - energy, sleep and activities - sex, exercise. I find it really helpful to be able to track things like my sleep, mood and exercise. I feel bad when I don't tick the yoga option so I am likely to do just a few minutes at least to make my self feel better. You can also set reminders to fill in my Clue daily and other things like breast checks. They're are customisable so I may have made some inappropriate reminders...

As you can see I have a really awful sense of humour. I always laugh when they pop up but it is actually quite nice to know what's going on. My days sort of meld together and I'm terrible with dates so it's really helpful. I've been able to identify a lot using the app; last month my poor family had to deal with me having a really tough time, lots of tears and hyperventilating and with the help of the app I realised I wasn't sleeping well, was a bit miserable and stressed but I just hadn't really noticed that it had been a little while that I had been feeling down and that was what led to my anxiety spiking. I had been letting it all build up until I just could anymore instead of asking for help, which is dumb because all four of them always ask if I need help or a chat. At the end of the month the guys at Clue send you a cycle review, with some facts and tips. I really recommend getting the Clue app. It's free and a great way of keeping up with your body.

2. Treats
So, I love getting post, hate going to town to pick up my supplies and am terrible at shopping, My husband is always telling me to treat myself but I rarely ever buy things I don't need (unless it's food, but if you ask me - it is food so I need it) I decided to get a Pink Parcel after seeing it on Facebook. The monthly subscription service sends your supply of tampons and/or towels in the brand, absorbency and quantity you specify when the sign up and they send them out to you on one of three selected dates close to your period, along with some treats such as tea, chocolate, cosmetics, jewellery and beauty products as little pick-me-up gifts to make you smile. The first box is £9.95 and £12.95 (including P&P) there after, you can cancel anytime free of charge unless your Pink Parcel has already been dispatched then you will be charged for that one. Although I've heard that it's price is going down to £10.50. The packaging is discreet and elegant and I always look forward to it.
Here is what I got in my Pink Parcel this month.

The packaging is so pretty! I love the colours and organisation. I would love to add ribbon to the drawstring bag or a little tissue paper in the for you box. I love the Pink Parcel Post booklet! Super cute and concise but informative. I got all my normal sanitary products, although I'm interested in the organic tampons so I may try them next month. Omg the FabLittleBags are genuinely FAB! I'm gunna be ordering a couple of packs from their website (also available at Waitrose, Ocado, Whole Foods and online at Ethical Superstore).  I love that they aren't noisy, you can use them one handed and they are partly made from sugar cane so they are biodegradable! #MotherNature

The nail polish by True Brit is so nice, it's such a pretty neutral grey! I used to wear a colour almost identical to it but I couldn't find another bottle when I ran out so this made me super happy! I'm really into my Simple products so I'm so happy that I've a travel friendly toner that I can take with me on holiday in a few weeks. While the Badger Balm smells gorgeous and is super calming it doesn't help me sleep, but it seems to be working on my little one, nap time was a breeze. I love the Lottie brush, it's super cute and soft, I've been using it for my brows. The Cougar Perfect Pout product didn't really do anything for my already pouty lips but it was nice as a lipgloss so I'm happy with it.

Omg the Rococo bar was delicious, I shared it with my son and he was so pleased. The tea was really nice too, I'm not sure if I would buy it as I couldn't drink it all of the time but it was a pleasant treat! And the fudge... I'll be persuading the Mr Husband Man for a box of this it's so good. My birthday is coming so I might just have a birthday cake of fudge! Fudge Kitchen, you guys down?

3. Products
So this splits into a few smaller topics.

- Underwear
Like most girls I have a bunch of underwear set aside that I don't mind getting ruined but instead of them being old panties that got ruined at some point so they have been relegated to a sad life or boring ones that I don't like, I found a bunch of cheap, cute, comfortable, super soft and properly fitting underwear that I can match up with some bras that I have (because I have to wear matching underwear, even if just vaguely matching or I feel really uneasy) and it's made such a difference. I feel like I have my life together just because I am not loser in ugly mismatched pants with cramps. Also, the fact they fit really well means my pads stay in place at night and my liners don't bunch up or stick to me during the day.

- Sanitary Products
I switched from pads to tampons (Tampax Pearl in Regular with an Applicator) when I got married and I wish I had done it so much easier and cleaner but after being instilled with the fear of God and death when I mentioned them to my mother, I was terrified of dying from TSS and so decided against using them. As such I suffered more than I needed to but when I got older I looked into it and realised that like anything if you are careful about the proper use and follow instructions you're quite likely to be okay, so always your hands before and after changing a tampon, use the lowest absorbency you can, change regularly (between 4-8 hours), don't use them at night and use pads or liners for lighter days. I actually set a three hour timer on my phone after I've changed so I don't forget, with chores and my son three hours can feel like an hour and so it's very easy to lose track of time, anything can be dangerous of you don't use it properly/safely. I also use liners (Always Dailies flexi thin, non-scented and Bodyform Daily Fresh Mirco liners) to give me that extra confidence that I haven't bled over everything I love, I'm like "Fuck it! I'll wear white jeans, come at me Mother Nature". I cannot stress enough that finding the right products for you instead of just making do is such an important thing for you to feel as comfortable as possible when your uterus is going all Hari Kari on you.

- Pain Relief
So, I keep painkillers and hot water bottles close by, using them when I need to because I am weak, no it's not because I'm weak it's because it fuckin' kills. I have pretty shitty cycles so it just makes sense. I got stuff to do, ain't no pain gunna stop me- I'ma stop pain, motherfucker.

I will eat whatever I want. It's not the healthiest approach but idgaf. Ain't no bitch tellin' me to eat less chocolate and drink caffeine because it makes it worse. Bitch, it's bad enough who gives a fuck if it's a little worse. But I do have a few things that I've heard help - things that are high in calcium such as soy, sesame, cheese and almonds are good bets. So I like to pick up a pack of sesame snaps, some soy milk chocolate shake, a few nice bits for my cheese board and a pack of almonds just for me to nibble and graze on, if I'm honest I have no idea if it helps but they taste good. Oh and large navel oranges, the vitamin c in it is meant to help you hurry along the bleeding, again I have no idea if it does work for me but I do know I would eat crappy unhealthy food all day if it were my choice so it's a good thing to add. Just don't eat like 12 oranges in a really short space of time, especially if you have really sensitive skin... You may break out in Fordyce spots on your lips and they are awfully sore. I didn't do this... I heard it once :/

5. '*~•.AcTiViTiEs.•~*'
I don't just mean exercise, but very light yoga and such does help me feel less scrunched up and alleviate cramps ever so slightly. I do however suggest sleeping early if possible, taking time out of your day to do a something that you like, watching a movie that always makes you cry - I always feel dumb crying over a burnt piece of toast or something minor because it is just not really worth the energy but I can't help it so I like having a way to channel it that feels valid to me like Baz Luhrmans 1996 version of Romeo and Juilet. No but, Leonardo DeCaprio clutching and crying over a sixteen-year-old Clare Danes' body always gets me "Thus with a kiss I die" *SOBBING* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I find just taking some time to be alone with myself is helpful to me. I feel calmer when I've had some me time.

Let's face it periods suck but hey at least you can do s few things to make it suck less! Learning your body will help you to get more comfortable with it, one thing I've noticed since the last year, is that I'm less conscious of it. I used to use only scented products and be constantly worried about leaks and stains but I've now converted to unscented and I feel more in control and confident. But remember your body isn't a clock and day-to-day life stresses will have an affect on you. If you're suffering awful cycles or are worried about whether you're healthy/normal make an appointment with your doctor and find out - the sex ed in the UK is terrible but you can always educate yourself with the right sources and help.

Anyway, I have some of that Rococo Bee Bar left and I am desperate to eat it so laaaaaterzzzz and may your day be pleasant.

What's your favourite euphemism for periods?


Saturday, 21 May 2016

So, you think being a SAHM isn't a job?

Why not, sweet'ums? 

Why am I not allowed to call my life 'my job'? Why am I not allowed to take pride in the work I do everyday? Why is not the thing invest my time and energy into, day in and day out not my job? Is it because I don't have time sheet or hours that I have to keep? Perhaps it's because I don't get paid, I am giving my time because I want to, I want to care for my child instead of paying someone else to do it. I don't pay taxes? Nah, but my family does - my husband pays into the system. Maybe it's the fact I don't hate very second of it like most of you do. 

I don't hate it because it's all I've ever wanted. If you could go back to your teenage self and tell them that you actually got to become whatever you had wanted to be at that age you would be so happy - I can do that, ever since I was a child all I have ever wanted was my own family and now I have it and for some reason you think you're allowed to try invalidate that. Nah, fucker you need to back your negative fuck face outta my sight before you get verbally throat punched. 

Being a mother and a wife is my job. I'm not going to go with gender neutral terms because some uptight fuckwit thinks that they are dirty submissive words. I'm not a home maker, I'm a wife. I'm not a caregiver, I'm a mother. And I am proud as hell to say that. They are my jobs in life. 

Go look at the definition of 'job', when you're done doing that have a look at what the married couples allowance (U.K) is so you can stop yourself before you mention taxes, then come to me and explain why people get paid to do all the jobs I do but just because I do all of them under the very wonderful title 'mummy' it's not your definition of a 'job'. People hire nannies and they are very well paid in most cases, cleaners, tutors, cooks - all of these people are paid for the job that they do - I do all of these to some extent.
It's my duty to make sure my child is fed, hydrated, clean and happy. It's my job to nurture him, educate him and love him. It's my responsibility to keep my home clean and safe for him. My relationship/family situation allows for me and my husband to divide our time and energies to the tasks we are good at, and yes, in this case they do happen to seem what some would call "gender based" roles but we just happen to be good at them. If a something in the house breaks or needs mending I'm better at DIY so he always let me do it and he makes really good sandwiches so whatever. We divide our chores based on who is best suited to the task. I've always had a mothering nature and my husband has always been good at working with people. I will always admit that I have never worked a day in my life and that I am very lucky to not have to, before I got married I was at college and trying to recover from a traumatic few years and after I got married there was no need for me to work, my husband has always provided for me. To be honest I think we need one another to be the way we are - it's why we work so well, we fit together.

I don't understand the need to box and categorise people. I'm not into any of your business. You have no right to judge me. 

What is sad is the fact worst people for judging stay at home mothers are actually other mothers, especially working ones but please don't think I'm talking to you working mums who have no choice. You know what I love about the mums that have to work as oppose to want to, they seem to understand me better. They wish they could be home with their families. They have no choice but to work, they need to provide and they feel guilty for having to leave their children; you women are fuckin' kickass. Putting yourself through so much just to put food on table and a roof over your babies head. You boss-ass females are fucking holding it down, you women are the women whos backs are holding the next generation up. I've been the daughter of a single working mum and I have nothing but respect for you. You mothers would do anything to give your babies the best that you can. 

I'm talking to the women who's careers are more important to them than the child they just bought into the world. The ones who don't bother breastfeeding because who has time for that? Not me, I need to be back at work. The ones desperate to get back to work because being "cooped up in the house" with their own baby makes them crazy, doing things to nurture your child like skin to skin sessions and reading are a waste of time because you aren't doing anything productive. 

Why is it that I am degraded by those mums? You do all of the house chores and work, the fuck do you want? Most of us are just doing the best we can. I just want you to back the fuck up with calling me lazy or stupid. If you can tell me I'm lazy and stupid then I'll be honest and say I think you are a bad mum for not putting your child's needs above your superficial career, is your job going to hug you when you die? Nope. But I just want to put it out there, I'm not some kept woman, I don't have someone looking after my child and home for me, stop assuming I do. I could work but I'd just be paying for someone else to do my job while I go out and be "a contributor to society" what would be the point? My son would be closer to someone who doesn't love him, I would miss all of his milestones and come home tired from working. I'm not okay with that and I am fortunate enough to be able to do so, why would I not take advantage of that? I have this wonderful privilege to be able to care for my son and keep my home without having to worry financially as my husband works very hard. Do you realise how many parents would love to be able to spend their time watching their children grow? Not everyone feels that their careers are more important than their child. If you know you aren't going to be there to care for them because your priority is your job/career then don't have a kid. It's rather simple. Either be a good parent on top of your career or just be a career woman, children aren't some accessory to your life - they are people.  They have feelings and constantly putting them at the bottom of your narcissistic to-do list is cruel. Missing events that are important to them, not being there when they need you and pushing them aside will always hurt them, eventually they will learn to not need you at all. If you aren't interested in raising the why the fuck even have them? A smart, go-getter like you surely knows how to use contraception. Figure it out.

Now, I do have to mention the other group of women that call me out, the modern, working, single women; you guys are too good to stay at home and care for a human because you are busy changing the world one '#' and instagram at a time. You don't need a man because you got your own, letting a man pay for you would be sacrilege. Your faux cult-like feminism and extreme and petty arguments - the male icon is placed in front of the female used for 'friends'  on the Facebook app, this obviously means Facebook thinks men are better than women. Nope. The way you guys look down at me infuriates me, when you see me with my husband and son, you bitches just fucking assume I am a weak and uneducated. I am just way past caring, dollface. While you are busy trying to prove to society "I'm not a woman, I'm a person" - I am just living my life the way that makes me happy, I don't need to prove anything to any fucker. I hate the fact that what makes me feel like a strong person (kickass mumma/wifey) is constantly attacked by these women, (or should I say "people" because apparently being a woman is an insult) because they think I am some oppressed and abused 1950s housewife, like no bitch, that is not what I am. You are a so called 'modern woman', a 'feminist'? But because I have a strong connection with my maternal side I'm a lesser woman then you? Your brand of feminism sure is inclusive, it is so completely about all women and the rights they ought have as a member of society. I don't want to be a modern woman if it means that if I'm not allowed to be the mother I want to be. I don't want to be a feminist if it means I have to leave my child in the care of someone I don't even know, before he is able to even speak so he can't even tell me if something is wrong, I am good, Sugar. I don't want to be like you if I have to be a judgmental mean girl. The original feminists wanted the same social, economical and political rights as men, they wanted their femininity to be respected the same way that masculinity is respected and it not be seen as a weakness somehow rendering women as delicate celestial beings. I don't want to be a man, I want to be a woman - a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter. Every single aspect of my existence is somehow a stain on feminism, I remove my body hair - that's wrong, real women have body hair and by removing it I am buying into raunch/paedophile culture or the patriarchy, by taking my husbands second name I am adhering to the concept that women are possessions, by wearing a bra and not freeing the nipple I am sexualising my own body and telling everyone that I ashamed of my female form, by being skinny I am not body positive and don't believe in size equality because I am brainwashed by the patriarchal media and the pressure of society to be perfect. If a woman role play power exchange during sex where she is assuming the submissive, then she is throwing years of feminism into the gutter. If a women wears makeup she is succumbing to the media and it's portrayal of the "perfect women".

I am a woman. I am all about gender equality, gender/sexuality oppression is disgusting. I am for the representation of healthy female and male models - but I am not about to blast "skinny bitches" or say that size two isn't realistic because for some people it is. Women are not objects or possessions but I do belong to my husband I am his, just as he is mine - because we love each other not because of some fucked up, obsolete concept constructed by religion and society and I took his name because I liked it and I wanted to. Whether I wear a bra or not is not part of any social movement, my mammary glands have fed a child and I know what they are for. Me wanting to be a woman and loving my female traits are not shameful concepts. If you think I am a delicate little flower just because I am happy to call myself a woman surely you are as bad as the male chauvinists you so vehemently hate. Surely, you see that looking down on me for being what you deem as classically womanly is just as awful as saying women with short hair are not feminine. You can't say you are pro-woman if you don't include all women. You just can't segregated us because you don't agree with our life choices. Who cares if a chick likes to have her some fun sex, the fucks it got to do with you - as long as it is consensual and she's is happy.  What has it got to do with you if she wants to wear makeup - maybe she just wants to look fine as fuck for herself, in the mirror all like "that contour tho, mama" and "my highlight lookin' damn good". 

Stop trying to drag other women down all the time. Have your opinions just keep them to yourself if they are hurtful to others.  Stop asking me when I'm going back to work and telling you would go crazy if you were so "wonton and redundant". Stop trying to make me feel inadequate.

To me, being a mother is a wonderful role to be in. I've always wanted kids, it's my life and it makes me happy. I will always refer to it as my job because I take it seriously, my husband and I, are partners in this and we answer to one another when it comes to our parenting skills and decisions. We review our child's meal plans, deciding together whether foods and snacks are working or not. We look at development and routine - do we need to add anything to his lessons? Are there any new toys that will help advance a skill set?   We reward one another for hard work and we work together to provide a well-rounded, stimulating, disciplined but loving environment for the small person we decided to bring into the world. We take it seriously because in the future we will have to answer to our son, if we get it wrong he could go on to hurt others or himself. It is a job to me and to my partner because I want to put as much of my time, energy and love as I possibly can. I can't imagine my child feeling like I did sometimes when I was young, we as parents always try to provide and fill a void that we had in our lives. For me it was absent parents - out of choice or not, feeling lonely or unimportant was regular for me because I was left by a parent. Abandonment and daddy issues mean that I'm so conscious of the effect that poor parenting can have on a child. You say I'm being 'over protective and ridiculous' but I know what it's like to be betrayed and hurt by someone who was meant to care for you and the terrible consequences it can have as you grow older and I will damned if I left my child feel that. 

So go on, keep on with the bullshit and tell me that being a mum isn't a job because it just shows me how half-assed you'll be as a parent. Do me a favour and say "hi" to your mum from me and let her know she either did a really awful job of raising you or you're just a condescending/damaged person and that I'm sorry for that; it must be hard to have that kind of individual as a child. 

I'm out. I need to go hug my kid and him that I love him before I put him in bed for his nap. 

As always, Love,


Saturday, 26 March 2016

"It's not a real relationship if... You don't stfu".

Oh my fucking fuck. So over the last few months I seem to have time and time again been faced with the sentence "its not a real relationship if..." now we all know I have a grave disdain for the whole "real" argument and how much it fucking irks me but this one really takes the fucking fuck.

I'm scrolling through Facebook like everyone does and then I see this post from a magazine page about how this couple became close because she basically shat herself after the third date and clogged his toilet. I mean... that's a lot to happen all at once, but all's well, that ends well and they married some years later. What a lovely heart warming story of a damsel in gastronomic distress... now the story itself wasn't my issue, it was little fuckwits commenting like the are all fucking marriage counsellors. 

Now that whole sentence and anyone that genuinely believes in it can suck on my literary dick because fuck you and judgement for my use of manners.

First of all, do you, motherfucker. Secondly, don't fucking tell me that my relationship is now invalid because I am a well-mannered person; my mother raised me with great attention to manners and decorum, I am a naturally shy person (read: OCD makes me paranoid), just because you are okay with it doesn't mean I fucking have to be. I am the type of person that has to bleach the whole bathroom in her own home before she can use it, l have to run the tap when I pee, I have OCD and I have a serious problem with hygiene, just because you are relaxed doesn't mean I am.

My favourite comments discussing the topics were suchlike "lol ladies saying they want to keep that side to themselves, what're you going to do when you are having a baby?" and "if you don't shit in front of your partner its not true love", by that estimation taking a shit on your partners chest must be the highest form of love. I just couldn't fucking take it, I just couldn't deal with the fucking idiocy that was just infesting this post.

Just very quickly I would like to put out a PSA:


You do realise those with children are fucking with you? Of all the women I have known in my entire life that are with child, only one women shit herself during giving birth. It was pretty fucking grim she had a water birth and I think the word she used was "floating" so there is that but honestly it is such a rare occurrence.


I just cannot stand this utter stupidity. Last year I was told that popping each other's pimples is a thing that couples do... Nah, mate. What was even funnier was it was in a circle where my husband and  I, are considered the cutest couple. Now I'm not anyone to piss on anyone parade, if you like to spend your evenings cleaning your beloved blackheads, you get on with your bad selves; I can think of loads and loads of things I would rather do. Plus my husband and I, don't really get blackheads or spots so I wouldn't really have any thing to do.

I like to keep a little air of mystery about myself if I'm honest, I like to be goofy and silly but I also grew up around women who were... very proper and as such I have certain expectations of myself and the way I carry myself. You may think that I am just an uptight bitch but I don't give a fuck. I'm not someone to shy away from bad language and I have such an acidic, laddish, disturbing sense of humour nothing really phases me or gets me but I do like to keep my feminine ways about me, even if I do swear like a truck driver. Seriously, I will watch full-on slicey dicey surgery and child birth and carry on eating my sandwich, my husband loves the fact that I am a tomboy, it means I get his humour and we are on the same level. I'm forever saying "you do forget I'm your wife a little too often" because he talks to me like I'm a mate from school and I'm okay with it but sometimes it's just funny to point it out to him. He just laughs and reminds me of an off colour joke I told a few days ago. We are close, relaxed and gross around each other, we both just have things we want to keep to ourselves.

Burping is a judged sport in our home- we rate on loudness and level of satisfaction, that includes my little boy - who btw kicks ass. His burps are so loud they reverberate through his tiny body. When I was pregnant my husband bought maternity pads for me without a single complaint, he even asked the pharmacist what would help my stitches heal. I can openly talk about periods and such with him, I know many partners that would rather not hear it. I have really bad psoriasis on the left side of my  head and as much as I would rather my husband didn't check if it was bleeding or flaking but he does. I'm pretty sure he'd sit on me to check it. For anyone that doesn't know what psoriasis is, it looks like I have oats stuck on my scalp- it's fucking gross.

The point I'm trying to make is that me and my husband have respect and equality in our relationship but we also have a balance. We are each others best friend, so we ask each other anything and everything. Being polite or having a sense of decorum isn't a bad thing either.

I'm way more relaxed than most of my husbands friends/work mates girlfriends or wives and it shows when they all talk. And it's because we are friends first. I know that I'm a better mate to my partner,  than I am wife. I pride myself in it too. Little things confuse me like apparently, the fact my husband calls me "mate" is a big thing, we call each other names all the time, like "oi dickhead" and "I love you, butt face" is forever being banded around our home but unlike most people we have never swore at each other during an argument because we both believe if you have to embellish your point with swearing or yell your side- you're doing it wrong. I have a fear of yelling or shouting, I just shut down, my husband knows this - it takes me back to dark places so he never takes his voice higher than a certain volume because he knows it terrifies me. The fact that I need to know where Raj is all the time isn't because I'm controlling it's because I have anxiety, if he hasn't called me by 6:30pm I start to panic, I think something awful had happened. I want him at home with me all the time because we genuinely love spending time together not because I don't want him to have any thing other than me but he always gets called "whipped" or "under the thumb", no. It's not like that. He just would rather be snuggled on the sofa with my warm little body hugging him, watching tv than having to conversate with you guys in a club or bar because he is generally an unsociable person. I'm his favourite person in the world, that's why he married me.

I feel like people prioritise the wrong things in relationships and it leads to dumb shit being seen as #relationshipgoals. To me  if you can do every single dirty thing in the urban dictionary but you can't tell him when you're upset than you're doing it wrong. Or if you guys can shower together but he won't buy you tampons then what's the point. You can dress the same and have matching high tops, be one another's #mancrushmonday or #womencrushwednesday but if you don't trust them with your phones pass code you need to settle your backwards ass down. But that's me.

I'm the person when I am totally alone with my partner. If you can't be that person who ever that is, then for real I don't know what you're doing. Stop trying to invalidate other people's relationships, just because you subscribe to a different ideology of what is a healthy relationship. A real healthy relationship is just being happy together so just be happy and deal with the fact other people are happy with how thier relationship is playing out.

How much do you trust your partner? Because that's way more important to me, more than  anything else.

With all my love,