Saturday, 26 March 2016

"It's not a real relationship if... You don't stfu".

Oh my fucking fuck. So over the last few months I seem to have time and time again been faced with the sentence "its not a real relationship if..." now we all know I have a grave disdain for the whole "real" argument and how much it fucking irks me but this one really takes the fucking fuck.

I'm scrolling through Facebook like everyone does and then I see this post from a magazine page about how this couple became close because she basically shat herself after the third date and clogged his toilet. I mean... that's a lot to happen all at once, but all's well, that ends well and they married some years later. What a lovely heart warming story of a damsel in gastronomic distress... now the story itself wasn't my issue, it was little fuckwits commenting like the are all fucking marriage counsellors. 

Now that whole sentence and anyone that genuinely believes in it can suck on my literary dick because fuck you and judgement for my use of manners.

First of all, do you, motherfucker. Secondly, don't fucking tell me that my relationship is now invalid because I am a well-mannered person; my mother raised me with great attention to manners and decorum, I am a naturally shy person (read: OCD makes me paranoid), just because you are okay with it doesn't mean I fucking have to be. I am the type of person that has to bleach the whole bathroom in her own home before she can use it, l have to run the tap when I pee, I have OCD and I have a serious problem with hygiene, just because you are relaxed doesn't mean I am.

My favourite comments discussing the topics were suchlike "lol ladies saying they want to keep that side to themselves, what're you going to do when you are having a baby?" and "if you don't shit in front of your partner its not true love", by that estimation taking a shit on your partners chest must be the highest form of love. I just couldn't fucking take it, I just couldn't deal with the fucking idiocy that was just infesting this post.

Just very quickly I would like to put out a PSA:


You do realise those with children are fucking with you? Of all the women I have known in my entire life that are with child, only one women shit herself during giving birth. It was pretty fucking grim she had a water birth and I think the word she used was "floating" so there is that but honestly it is such a rare occurrence.


I just cannot stand this utter stupidity. Last year I was told that popping each other's pimples is a thing that couples do... Nah, mate. What was even funnier was it was in a circle where my husband and  I, are considered the cutest couple. Now I'm not anyone to piss on anyone parade, if you like to spend your evenings cleaning your beloved blackheads, you get on with your bad selves; I can think of loads and loads of things I would rather do. Plus my husband and I, don't really get blackheads or spots so I wouldn't really have any thing to do.

I like to keep a little air of mystery about myself if I'm honest, I like to be goofy and silly but I also grew up around women who were... very proper and as such I have certain expectations of myself and the way I carry myself. You may think that I am just an uptight bitch but I don't give a fuck. I'm not someone to shy away from bad language and I have such an acidic, laddish, disturbing sense of humour nothing really phases me or gets me but I do like to keep my feminine ways about me, even if I do swear like a truck driver. Seriously, I will watch full-on slicey dicey surgery and child birth and carry on eating my sandwich, my husband loves the fact that I am a tomboy, it means I get his humour and we are on the same level. I'm forever saying "you do forget I'm your wife a little too often" because he talks to me like I'm a mate from school and I'm okay with it but sometimes it's just funny to point it out to him. He just laughs and reminds me of an off colour joke I told a few days ago. We are close, relaxed and gross around each other, we both just have things we want to keep to ourselves.

Burping is a judged sport in our home- we rate on loudness and level of satisfaction, that includes my little boy - who btw kicks ass. His burps are so loud they reverberate through his tiny body. When I was pregnant my husband bought maternity pads for me without a single complaint, he even asked the pharmacist what would help my stitches heal. I can openly talk about periods and such with him, I know many partners that would rather not hear it. I have really bad psoriasis on the left side of my  head and as much as I would rather my husband didn't check if it was bleeding or flaking but he does. I'm pretty sure he'd sit on me to check it. For anyone that doesn't know what psoriasis is, it looks like I have oats stuck on my scalp- it's fucking gross.

The point I'm trying to make is that me and my husband have respect and equality in our relationship but we also have a balance. We are each others best friend, so we ask each other anything and everything. Being polite or having a sense of decorum isn't a bad thing either.

I'm way more relaxed than most of my husbands friends/work mates girlfriends or wives and it shows when they all talk. And it's because we are friends first. I know that I'm a better mate to my partner,  than I am wife. I pride myself in it too. Little things confuse me like apparently, the fact my husband calls me "mate" is a big thing, we call each other names all the time, like "oi dickhead" and "I love you, butt face" is forever being banded around our home but unlike most people we have never swore at each other during an argument because we both believe if you have to embellish your point with swearing or yell your side- you're doing it wrong. I have a fear of yelling or shouting, I just shut down, my husband knows this - it takes me back to dark places so he never takes his voice higher than a certain volume because he knows it terrifies me. The fact that I need to know where Raj is all the time isn't because I'm controlling it's because I have anxiety, if he hasn't called me by 6:30pm I start to panic, I think something awful had happened. I want him at home with me all the time because we genuinely love spending time together not because I don't want him to have any thing other than me but he always gets called "whipped" or "under the thumb", no. It's not like that. He just would rather be snuggled on the sofa with my warm little body hugging him, watching tv than having to conversate with you guys in a club or bar because he is generally an unsociable person. I'm his favourite person in the world, that's why he married me.

I feel like people prioritise the wrong things in relationships and it leads to dumb shit being seen as #relationshipgoals. To me  if you can do every single dirty thing in the urban dictionary but you can't tell him when you're upset than you're doing it wrong. Or if you guys can shower together but he won't buy you tampons then what's the point. You can dress the same and have matching high tops, be one another's #mancrushmonday or #womencrushwednesday but if you don't trust them with your phones pass code you need to settle your backwards ass down. But that's me.

I'm the person when I am totally alone with my partner. If you can't be that person who ever that is, then for real I don't know what you're doing. Stop trying to invalidate other people's relationships, just because you subscribe to a different ideology of what is a healthy relationship. A real healthy relationship is just being happy together so just be happy and deal with the fact other people are happy with how thier relationship is playing out.

How much do you trust your partner? Because that's way more important to me, more than  anything else.

With all my love,

Sunday, 13 March 2016

An Open Letter to Concession Girls

I would like to start by saying that this doesn't apply to all concession MUAs, some of them are lovely. I'm specifically talking to the girls that need to be taken down a few notches.

Why is is whenever I approach a makeup concession stand the girls at the counter all look at me in the most horrible way? Like I shouldn't be there, like I am wasting their precious time. I am not wasting your time darling, unless you aren't being paid to do exactly what I'm asking of you - oh wait you are? Then settle your fucking ass down, Love.

I have never been rude to any member of staff at any store that I have ever been to. It isn't in my nature to be rude to people, especially those I am asking assistance of. There may have been the odd occasion where I haven't put down my phone whilst paying for my stuff or something, but that's more carelessness as oppose to outright rude behaviour, so I don't understand why I am treated this way. I always try to sincerely compliment anyone I interact with or at least make them laugh because most of my friends are in retail and they always tell me about someone who was nice to them and how it made them feel a bit better, plus being nice doesn't cost anything, making someone smile and laugh for a moment into their long day isn't a chore. I rarely leave the house, so the times I do I try to make a small difference to someone, I feel like it's good to spread positivity.

But seriously, I hate going makeup shopping for that reason alone. What is even more infuriating is that if my husband is with me it doesn't happen and they often refer to him and tend to vaguely gesture to me. I've had a few women openly flirt with my husband whilst I'm fucking stood next to him with our child in the pushchair. Bitch, this isn't fucking 'The Women' and you sure as fuck aren't Eva Mendes. Settle your hoe-ass down before I drag you to the scarf section and strangle you with a beautiful little, pastel silk number. I'm not a violent person but if you don't stop batting your stacked lashes or quit trying to hairflip your dry shampoo encrusted hair, I'm gunna get real fucking pissed off soon and it's gunna take a lot more than makeup to fix the damage. Btw my husband doesn't even notice that they are flirting and isn't even sure what is going on until he sees my seething little face, in which case he will walk away with me and take me somewhere else to buy whatever it was we were purchasing because that disrespectful little madam can fuck off.

I have only recently got into makeup and it is a totally foreign world to me, I am tomboy at heart and makeup is fucking fascinating, but I own a few pieces of high end makeup and am looking to purchase more when I finally figure out what colours suit me, I couldn't hoard and collect makeup like other girls, it's not my thing. I would much prefer a collection of vintage car models or rocks. And I just feel like I would rather buy the wrong colour online than approach a concession and that is shame.

I remember once, me and my bebeh were out in town and need to stop for a nursing and changing break so we when into Debenhams because their facilities are always clean and empty and on the way out I heard that the Arch Angels salon downstairs now did the LVL Lash Lift and I had wanted it for ages so I went to go get more information on it. I walked up to the counter and there were about six girls there and they all looked at me like they were Regina George and I was covered in slime, I wanted to fucking run but they were all looking at me and I just couldn't walk away. So, I pulled up my big girl pants and tried to play it cool, I politely inquired about the LVL treatment and the Regina George faces carried on staring at me. I could have cried (but that's not really a big thing I cried because I saw Boris Johnson on TV and once when I was ill my husband tried to take the banana I was hugging from me). One of the girls at the front of the MUA girl band (who's face look like she had been headbutting the testers) swept her eyes over me and told me if I wanted it done I would have to have a skin test done, then there was a pause and they kept staring at me. I asked for infomation about the process and was handed a slip of paper with the treatment name and a website I could visit and then I was dismissed. They all just turned back to each other and went back to their conversation. I felt so little. That was months ago and I still haven't had it done for fear of bursting into tears because some girl may make me feel like I'm not supposed to be there.

I walked away with tears in my eyes.

I still won't shop high end makeup without my husband, I will not do it. The fact that other women do this to fellow women is so fucked up, that fact that these women only treat me like a person why I have a man stood next to me or think that I am an accessory to my partner. You are buying into such a awful ideology. I am a person it doesn't matter whether I have a baby or a partner, I'm a fucking person.

If we want equality we need to start giving it to each other first. It starts with us. If we want men to treat us like people and equals, we need to start pulling each other up and being strengths for one another. Stop judging me for being a young mum. Stop basing your perception of me on whether or not I'm married. Stop thinking you're better than me because we are the same age but I'm not working or in university and you are. Just because you're "contributing to society" and I'm just a stay-at-home-mum.

I don't judge you for the choices you have made because I don't fucking know you. So stop fucking judging me.

Ladies, be nicer to each other. Lend each other hair bands and run the tap when a girl you don't know is peeing. If women were as nice as they are when they are drunk in club toilets we would be a better and stronger generation. Women on women sexism seems to me to be the biggest problem facing equality. The reason feminism is so hard to identify with is because of the type of women that wrongly brand themselves as feminists when really they are sexists too. Women are not better than men, men are not better than women - we are all human and we are all different. There are athletic women and men, sensitive men and women, both genders have sluts, identity is so fluid in this day and age, we all need to be nicer to one another and mind our own fucking business a little bit more.

To the girls at the concession stands that are mean to me, I'd like to say "fuck you" because you are holding women back, you give men a reason to fuck with us because if we are doing it to each other, why the fuck wouldn't someone else.

Be nicer to each other.