Thursday, 28 September 2017

I'm not like other girls.

Over the past 6 years I have been subject to a lot of shit for being married young. From my family just gently letting me know that this isn't the life they wanted for me but that they're happy for me cuz it worked out well for me to random strangers on Facebook telling me I've cut my life short and that they could *never* live my life. 

Well sweetpea ain't it fab that NO ONE FUCKING ASKED YOU TO. Legit no one has asked you to fucking wife swap with me and run my house. No one is asking you to raise my son. You don't see me taking swipes at your life do you? 

According to studies most women my age are still living at home or in house shares, are unsatisfied in there job role, haven't had many relationships lasting longer that two years, feel their friendships aren't really that good and still aren't 100% sure what the fuck they are doing with their lives. If the TV series Girls is anything to go by then fuck an entire lake of ducks I feel sorry for women my age. 

Just like 'slut' and 'hoe', the words 'wife' and 'mother' are not dirty words to be spat and looked down upon. I identify myself as mother and wife first, before I am anything I am a wife and a mother. Girls who love to keep a family and home, who's only happiness is marked by the threshold of her front fucking door still exist. I am one of these girls and guess what? I want you to lay the motherfuck off. While I'm here cheering your ass on  like "YASS BOSSSS BITCH BUILD THAT CAREER AND FUCK BOIZ CUZ LIFE IS SHORT", supporting your decisions, sticking up for you and the way you wanna live you're staring me right back in the face and telling me I'm not enough. I'm not wanting enough for myself. That the life I love and the happiness I've built is too small and provincial. BITCH THE FUCK? NO. I support you regardless of my feeling towards your actions cuz I respect you, fam. Why the fuck can't you do the same?

It may be baffling to you but I still exist. In the era of the Hoe Renaissance, The Money-Moves-Making-Boss-Bitch and #WasteHisTime2K17 I'm here. I love house work, I love to cook and one of my favourite parts of my morning is the five minutes of still I get whilst I polish my husband shoes. I live to spoil and dote on my nuclear family. I thrive on the feeling I get when my house is clean. I fell fast, moved quickly and married young. I'm 24 with a 6 year relationship under my belt (of which five are marriage) and three years of motherhood to my name. I have made four properties into homes. I have lost a pregnancy and I have found my happiness. I know who I am, my strengths and weaknesses. I have my goals and life planned. I am on track and stable. 

So who the fuck are you to tell me that my life isn't good enough?

"I could never do that"
"I'm not letting you meet my partner incase he gets any ideas lol!"
"But you're more than that"
"Don't you want more than just chores and being home all the time?"
"Your husband a grown man he can look after himself"
"Can I swap *insert partners name* for Monica?"
"Wow your husband is spoilt"

Mate just like you couldn't live my life I couldn't live yours because guess what? DING DING DING WE ARE DIFFERENT FUCKING PEOPLE WITH DIFFERENT FUCKING GOALS AND NEEDS. Your partner and you work because you are what you need for one another, my partner just requires more from me, that doesn't make you a bad partner or me a better one it just makes us different. Why is a career seen as more? Why is an education seen as more? LET ME FUCKING LIVE. I couldn't work a 9-5 it would kill my actual soul. I hated education I found it stifling and too rigid for my creative mind. I didn't ask for a fucking development status update on my husband, thanks. I fucking well can quite easily deduce for myself that I am in fact married to a fully able bodied, grown ass man who could (if taught) do everything I do for him for himself but I don't fucking want him to, I actually want to do everything for him because I want him to feel love and cared for because IT MAKES ME HAPPY NOT CUZ HE ASKED ME TOO. It may seem like he's spoilt to you perhaps it's cuz you envy him though? I mean wouldn't it be nice for someone to literally think of everything in your life for you, for someone to love you so deeply that they want to do everything in their power to make you life as easy and happy as physically possible? 

Oh and no, you can't swap. To have a woman like me, you have to be a man like my husband. To be able to have a woman like me even think of literally moulding herself to your every need you have to be a seriously fucking special individual. You need a wicked sense of humour, the patience of an angel, a slightly strange mind and a serious love of being annoyed because as much as I am devoted and loving I am hard work to be married too. I am stubborn and annoying. My mood swings are like lightning strikes and I control the vibe of the house as if it were a fucking thermostat under my skin directly connected my soul. If I'm sad the air in the house is heavy, if I'm happy the light bulbs are somehow brighter, if I'm angry the room in is a little warmer and the air is tense.

Like all other girls, I'm not like other girls because we are all different. I'm me and if I can respect you, you can sure as shit learn a thing or two from me and respect me. 

I can't be like you and your peers. 
I couldn't use a dating app. I couldn't be "single and loving it". I couldn't wear what you fashionable kids are wearing and go out on the town. I couldn't live like a normal 24 year old in 2017 because it's not me. I was born middle aged and every year I've become morhe like a old aged pensioner and I'M FINE WITH THAT. Why do you think because I don't have IG, Tinder and such like I'm somehow missing out? Why do you think that because I've not done all the things you find fun I'm not happy? Like I just don't fucking get it. You guys preach and sing and fucking protest about choice yet you can't respect mine because it's not the one you would make? Sorry but nah fam. Fuck off. I couldn't swipe through people like they're pages of the Argos catalogue or seek temporary validation from practical strangers online. I'm just not that kind of person. I ain't sliding into anyone's DMs. I was engaged before I went on my first date and even that was fucking chaperoned. You don't see me saying "ay Sandy you should try getting married, it's fab" or "you know what's better than mdma? Popcorn". Like I'm not tryna make you live my life so why are you tryna get me to live yours? 

I've had someone actually say the words "as a feminist it makes me feel so weird when he (my husband) sits there and asks you to get him a drink instead of just getting one himself". Okay lol park your "feminist" ass down and listen the I know up. YA FEELINGS DON'T MATTER IN MY RELATIONSHIP. If you could for a second just see it from our individual point of views - he's been out working, travelling and on his feet all day, he's tired, he's sat down to his meal and he's asking me for a glass of water because I'm free. I'm not doing anything. Not because HIM MAN ME WOMAN ME DO EVERYTHING FOR MAN ME ONLY FOR THIS PURPOSE. It's literally cuz I'm chillin'. I can easily just say "could you grab it yourself I'm cosy" and he would it wouldn't even cross his mind to be annoyed or think anything of it. 

He's gone out at 11pm to get me chicken nuggets. He's gone out on a Sunday at 3:45pm because I've forgotten stuff I need for a meal. He's stayed up all night to stroke my hair cuz I can't sleep. He checks on the baby after 7pm. He comes with me to the toilet when I'm scared. He always takes our plates to the kitchen, he will always ask if I need help, he will always vacuum if he's free and it needs doing, my husband isn't a Neanderthal, gender conforming, hyper-masculine alpha male. He's chill as fuck. I just love spoiling him. We like spoiling each other. 

We do what we are good at and that's how we assign tasks/decisions. Whoever knows the most or has the most experience will take lead. Whoever is less tired or free will do a job. I just happen to be good at stuff you consider to be "for women" or typically female, we do have a traditional set up in many senses. He works and I raise our son but that's because he's been working since legal age and I've always been around kids. It's just what we are best at, working to your strengths isn't a bad thing, it's smart. If I was a to get a well paid job my husband would be yelling "DAS MA BEST FRIEND YO" and telling everyone how fucking proud he is, he would boss being a SATD. 

When we first got married we tried to have a relationship like the one you would rather us have and it just didn't work for us. Being husband and wife was a pain in the ass so we decided to just be us. We are essentially best mates who live together and find each other attractive. You want us to be a happy couple who are close but not too close, gave our own friendship circles, lead separate lives but also be involved and interested in one another's lives without morphing into one and be socially/economically/domestically equally if that works for you then yay for you. I like not having that relationship, I like it very much. I like spending 24/7 with him, I don't need or want a break from him. I like having one life and basically being one person. It's fab. My favourite thing to do is share chocolate quesadillas from one plate on a Saturday morning. His favourite thing is to have the tv on as background sound and scroll through Facebook with me snuggled up to him close. We ain't social folk. We don't drink. We don't do any form of drugs. We don't go out unless we are dragged out, I've never been out on a girls night out cuz I do not want to. We don't like people for the most part. We are each other's favourite person in the whole world and the only other person we want to spend time with is our child. So go have fun, just think there's one less person queuing at the bar or for the loos, the gigs you want have one less person tryna get tickets, there's one less person to swipe past on your tinder, one less person booking a table at a restaurant you want to try. All these things you love to do, I don't. I hate them. I fucking hate them. So go enjoy them for the both of us. I would die at a festival, I'd die at gigs, fam I almost die when I'm in a crowded shop. I'm not asking you to have my relationship and I'm not judging yours. It would just NEVER work for me. 

I'm not gunna be here to cheer you on and have your back if you cannot do the same for me. Why is it when you get hurt whilst drunk it's funny and just a laugh but if I hurt myself from overdoing it with cleaning I get OMG U NEED A BREAK? Both self inflicted and both dumb but IM NOT THE ONE ON THE WAY TO LIVER CIRRHOSIS. When you get your heart broken by another fuck boy I'm here to pick up the pieces but if I'm upset about something you can't relate too you're just like "I COULDNT BE YOU". When I'm here binging programs until 3am and you're out being social I don't tell you to go home, I tell you to be safe.  

You girls are torn between naming me #WifeGoals and a stain on the good name of feminism. And you guys are all asking where you can get a girl like me or if I have sisters/friends but chasing Tinder matches and Miss Right Now. 

Glitter, hashtags and fucking cold shoulder blouses. IG baddies, Snapchat filters, Mermaids and Unicorns. Go live your best hoe life, go make that money, go and fucking live your life the way you see fit. But do not dare come back at me and tell me that I should be more like you because that's not nice. Support your fellow women. If we don't have each other to lean on all of us fall. 

Love and fuckery,

Monica x

Friday, 3 March 2017

Damn, bro! You whipped AF!

So this year I've been married for 5 years. Like that's pretty cool that my beloved Mr Husband Man has been putting up with my bratty ass for that long. He even 3D printed a small person with me, also rad af. Shout out to him for that *thumps chest twice and throws up peace sign*

Now one thing that annoys me about the five years I've been with my partner is that he's heard so much shit for wanting to spend time with me over his friends or leaving a meet up early to come home to me. Dumb shit like "you're under the thumb" and "you're whipped" that are just unnecessarily twatty, at one point someone actually got an app that made a whip crack noise. Like I totally get lads banter and shit but fam, c'mon. 

So I'd like to address "the Lads" from all the girlfriends and wives. Hold on to your asses, boys. I'm not one for mincing my words. 

Listen here, you shit prick, I don't have a clue how he's under the thumb cuz I am pretty much the most chill wife in my husbands friendship circles, even including the girlfriends. I'm not controlling, it doesn't bother me who he's friends with - even if I don't like them, I don't care if he's home at 2am; I'm there waiting with food and warm clothes, what he talks about with his mates (even if it's about me), if he leave the toilet seat up, if he leaves his plate on the side instead of the sink, there really isn't much that he does that gets me pissed off so when you say he's under the thumb you're literally talking complete bullshit, much like the bullshit you spin girls to get them to talk to you for a minute before they realise you're a bag of dicks and walk off leaving you looking like a right knobhead. When you guys say to him that he's whipped, I just want to laugh in your faces and stick a post-it note with "prat" written on it to your forehead. Like "oh no it's must be terrible for him having a woman who is way more fun than any of his mates, what a fucking travesty". 

Of course, he wants to come home to me instead of sitting in a bar or restaurant with you, Fam. I'm like a hot water bottle but people size. I'm really fucking funny and pretty much better in every way than you are as a friend, hence we are married. Home with me has duvets and tv, laughter until we can't actually breathe, home cooked food and hella snug but outside with you has some decent bantz, overpriced drinks and a late drive home. 

My favourite thing though is when single guys say it, it just makes me hysterical. I hate to be so brutal (I don't hate it, I'm lying, I love being brutal) but I feel so damn sorry for you, sweet pea. You've got no one to go home to after a hard day, the best you have is a night out with the lads after which you will probably come home alone, anyways cuz let's face it our Tinder is drier than my sense of humour. You're there all "LADS LADS LADS" cuz you can't find a girl, let alone a woman to make you a better man cuz no one female wants to spend more time than is entirely necessary with you cuz your personality sucks like you paid it to do so. Seriously, how nice do you think it is to always have someone to spend time with who always wants to do/eat/drink/watch the same thing as you? Oh wait, you wouldn't know, would you? The longest relationship you've had is your phone contract. You are not single cuz you love being single or aren't ready for commitment, you're single cuz you're a total idiot. Ya fucking noodle. Let me tell you a secret about yourself, Petal. Ready for it? Ahem... you're jealous. You would love to find your person but you're not grown up enough to even see it. So do me a favour and fuck off telling your friend (my husband) that being into me and wanting to spend time with me over you is a bad thing cuz it's sure as shit isn't. You're the one that's losing out, ya miserable shit. 

Mate, like for real who wants to be outside with sweaty, drunk people when you could be at home with your favourite person? 

Like it's not even a competition. It's barely a comparison. 

When you invite him round for the to watch the footie and he says "no", it's cuz he'd rather be home with me cuz I make kickass snacks, watch the game with him and give a really fucking funny commentary. If we win, we celebrate and if we lose I make it better with food and my womanly ways. Do you have those? Do you have womanly ways? I fucking hope not, you empty packet of crisps. 

When you invite him out for drinks and he says "oh mate, next time?", it's cuz he knows I'm at home with food, some tv shows already loaded for us to binge watch and better bantz than you could ever even dream off. Are you gunna let him grab your butt while you snuggle him and watch 'Suits'? Cuz if you are I'm gunna have to hurt you. I know how to get blood out anything, including your body. I find sharp objects to be the most effective.

Your friend isn't "whipped" or "under the thumb" he's in a happy relationship, you fucking pile of Ikea flat pack left over washers. He's choosing time with me over you because I'm his favourite person in the world not because I'm forcing him to. He's constantly texting me while you're out cuz he'd rather be at home with me but this is the best he can do right now. He wants to be with me, not you. 

So from every female that's hated by "the lads" to every single lad that acts like his mate is dying when he gets into a relationship and is happy: I hope your Tinder matches are more baron than your cleared internet history. The reason why we don't like you is cuz you think it's okay for him to behave like you and you're a fucking pillock. Do me a favour and have a laugh with my best friend when he does finally go out with you. Be lads, have many of the bantz but when he wants to leave be a good friend too, man hug or pat his shoulder and be like "alright mate see ya". Stop being a loser. Be happy that your bro is happy. 

Anyways, I'm out I have stuff to do.

Love,
Monica x

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Sup, Fam?

So... hi. 

I haven't been around for a while.

Update - I moved. 
I live in the south west now closer to my family. 

Whilst we were moving we had to stay with my family for a little over a month while my new home got refurbished which  was lovely but it also bought up a lot of stuff for me that I'd kept buried deep down for the last five or six years. I had to deal with it all eventually I guess. I got really fucking depressed. Like hella. It was shitty. 

I sort of lost myself and did the bare minimum for a few months but the other day I "woke up" and now I'm back to myself. It feels really good to have me back. I missed her. The good thing is when you're a miserable bitch, you're also really funny- as a way of covering for the fact you haven't washed in a while and you're in general a bit of a shitty person to be around so the Facebook page for this blog is really fucking funny. But it feels nice to not have a million and one things running through my head so fast that I think my head might just explode. It's great not having this feeling in my chest that so heavy I think I might defy gravity and just sink into the floor. It feels nice to get all my chores done on time and properly. Best of all though it feel good to have energy back and not use all you have by 10:30pm on being an okay mum and a less than mediocre wife- I'm back to being a really fucking good mum and a kickass boss wifey cuz that's what I am. I am a boss ass bitch when it comes to motherhood and being a wife. 

I'm glad I took some time out to be a human aubergine but I'm back now. I have loads I wanna write about but atm I'm scared it will be shit cuz I haven't written in ages. 

Anyways, I hope you guys are good and thanks for still viewing the blog even though I'm not posting anything. It means a lot to me. I'll start posting soon. 

With all my love,
Monica x